San Antonio Wants To Mock Dallas' Death-River. How Cute.

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Two days ago, Mark Cuban took time out of his busy schedule to acknowledge the existence of San Antonio and its "muddy ugly-ass River Walk."

The proper response would have a polite curtsy, if not gushing praise, from San Antonio, thanking Cuban for deigning to mention their humble burg and for his uncanny ability to state facts about bodies of water. Instead, we get this, a bitter attack on the Trinity River.

"At least the San Antonio River doesn't reek of wastewater and dead animals," reporter Kolten Parker wrote yesterday in the San Antonio Express-News. He also quotes a 1925 assessment by the Texas Department of Health, labeling the Trinity a "mythological river of death."

See also: Dallas' Wastewater Is Actually Making the Trinity River Cleaner

Parker is wrong: Dallas' wastewater actually makes the Trinity smell better. Houston should be happy to be gulping down increasing quantities of our (treated) urine. The pollution is what you're smelling.

On the rest of it, Parker's pretty spot-on, though we quibble with his suggestion that the Trinity's unappealing reputation is somehow a drawback when actually it's part of a conscious strategy. We don't want people recreating by our river. If we did, why would we build a multi-lane highway right beside it?

No, hordes of fanny-pack-wearing tourists would only spoil natives' enjoyment of the Trinity's majestic scrap-tire forests and unique underwater stolen-car ecosystem. (Plus: actual nature.)

Also: Mythological River of Death would annihilate River Walk in a battle of the bands.

See also: It'll Cost Dallas $3.3 Million to Pull Tires and Trash From the Trinity and Lake Ray Hubbard

So bag on the Trinity all you want, San Antonio. You can keep the tourists and their wads of cash. We'll keep not building the amenities voters were promised 16 years ago. Just hope that, when the South Texas drought gets worse, Dallas will be forgiving enough to flush some of our wastewater your way.

Send your story tips to the author, Eric Nicholson.

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