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Special Weather Report: You Should Fear Thursday

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We interrupt your usual weekly news messages to bring you an early weather report. We do this partially because the weather for this weekend looks pretty boring, as long as you consider your internal organs melting to be boring, and because Thursday brings the best chance of Pete Delkus rolling up his sleeves and going to work since that cruel, dark winter.

We are talking, of course, about the 1 inch of rain, severe thunderstorms and general panic that has an 80 percent chance of enveloping the city during Thursday daytime. Do you live and/or work in Dallas? Presumably you do. Is the building you live and/or work in on stilts? Could you confidently say it is more than one inch above the floor, on a sturdy support? No? Then you, like the rest of us, will be washed into the Trinity, doomed to float around an uncaring white-water rapids course for all eternity.

The area, of course, needs this rain pretty badly. We're eight inches down on usual rainfall levels already for the year. Drought is a problem, as are wildfires. It would just be swell, however, if the good Lord above could possibly push his weather needle somewhere between "on fire" and "underwater." We will not be this lucky.

Those of us who haven't suffered the fate worse than death that is our lifeless corpses drifting down to Houston and getting even more mangled by the awfulness of Houston will be faced with a rebuilding job on a massive scale. Remember, when you're putting back together the bricks and mortar of your shattered former life, build your new shelter on stilts. It won't help you when the tornado comes -- in fact it really might hinder your tornado survival chances a great deal -- but it will make you feel better about yourself.

Oh, and the temperatures are pushing record-breaking for this time of year too. Just in case you felt confident that the rain washing away your A/C system wouldn't be too big a deal. It will be. At the current rate, using my qualifications in advanced mathematics, I predict the temperature will be pushing a balmy 145 Fahrenheit by mid-June.

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