To take an entirely made-up, hypothetical example, let’s say you're an obese, 61-year-old smoker who has spent much of his career enjoying the delights of schadenfreude — finding joy in another’s misfortune — particularly if those others are complete tools. Is that a sin?
Is a little schadenfreude OK, a brief, “hah, that’ll fix him”? What about a big honking dose of orgasmic-level schadenfreude like that felt by a sizable chunk of the Texas populace — not all of them Democrats — upon hearing that a Republican-led Texas House committee on Thursday unanimously approved a 20-article impeachment resolution against state Attorney General Ken Paxton? C’mon, God. It’s Ken freakin’ Paxton, notorious Trump-humping homophobe, bully, anti-immigrant bigot and speaker at the Trump rally that led to the Jan. 6, 2021, assault on the U.S. Capitol. Surely a little raucous laughter, chest bumps and Champagne toasts are acceptable.
Sadly, apparently not. "To feel envy is human, to savor schadenfreude is diabolic," said the philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer. He was an atheist, so if he's down on a sin, you know it's a bad one.
Great. Just great. Once again, one of life’s great pleasures turns out to be bad for us. Goddammit.
Well, the fix for sin is an act of contrition. Seeing as we’re not getting any younger or thinner — and a least hold out hope for the top bunk in our dorm room in hell — join us, brothers and sisters, as we take a closer, more charitable look at the articles of impeachment facing Paxton, a man who stretches the notion of innocent until proven guilty to the breaking point but still deserves a little grace and charity. Supposedly.
The first six articles of the impeachment resolution approved unanimously by the five members of the House General Investigating Committee concern his relationship with Nate Paul, an Austin-based real estate investor. The articles include allegations that Paxton ordered employees of his office to intervene in a lawsuit brought by a charitable foundation against several businesses controlled by Paul, harming the foundation.
Paxton is also accused of: issuing a sham attorney general’s opinion “in an attempt to avoid the impending foreclosure sales of properties belonging to Nate Paul or business entities controlled by Paul”; flouting state public records law to benefit Paul; appointing a special attorney to conduct a baseless investigation to benefit Paul; and firing several employees in the AG's Office who reported Paxton’s actions to law enforcement.
"To feel envy is human, to savor schadenfreude is diabolic." – Arthur Schopenhauer, philosopher
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Really, House General Investigating Committee, is that the best you can do, condemn Paxton for being a good and loyal friend? Hasn’t the committee ever heard the quote, “There are gold ships and silver ships, but there is no ship like friendship”? Granted, Paxton may have commingled his friendship with gold ships, but isn’t he the sort of BFF we all yearn for? He’s like the Old Yeller of attorney generals (in more ways than one, if you've seen the movie and catch our drift). If U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas’ highly remunerative friendship with Dallas real estate maven Harlan Crow doesn’t even rise to the level of ethical lapse, at least in the eyes of conservatives, surely Paxton gets a pass on this one should the impeachment move through the GOP-controlled Legislature.
As for flouting Texas public records laws, the notion that’s a crime is surely a surprise to anyone in the news media who has tried to extract public records from Texas government agencies. If that's a crime, Texas is going to need bigger prisons.
Paxton also stands accused of ordering a sham investigation into claims made by the whistleblowers he fired and of arranging a $3.3 million payment, which Paxton hoped Texas taxpayers would cover, to settle a lawsuit the whistleblowers filed against him and to close off any further revelations from the case. What now, the poor man can’t even defend himself from an attack by Judases, examine his own actions, be embarrassed and then try to compensate any poor souls inadvertently harmed by his wholly innocent attempts to defend himself? It’s not like Paxton’s a saint — far, far, far, so effing far from it. Mistakes might have been made, but he’s doing his best to make good. Where’s the forgiveness, House General Investigating Committee?
The next two articles involve claims of bribery, one accusing Paxton of allowing Paul to renovate the attorney general's home in exchange for granting Paul favorable access to the AG’s Office. That seems like pretty small beans. What are we talking? Some paint, drywall ... oh wait, it was an extensive reno. Well, it’s not like Paul bought Paxton’s mother a house or something.
Besides, we’re not lawyers, but our understanding is that to make a bribery case, particularly one involving politically wired, wealthy white men, the state must clear a high bar to demonstrate a quid pro quo. The mere glaring, obvious existence of a quid pro quo is not enough. Unless the House General Investigating Committee has a photo of Paul handing Paxton one of those big-ass Publishers Clearing House-type checks with the words “For bribery” written on the memo line, we’re pretty sure Paxton skates on this one.
The second accusation of bribery is that Paul provided a job to Paxton’s alleged mistress. That one will be tough if the standard for convicting Paxton is guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. If the House approves the articles of impeachment, he’ll be tried by the Senate, where two-thirds of its members will have to believe that two women exist on this planet who were willing to touch Paxton’s junk. Even if true and even though adultery is a sin, Paxton surely deserves some credit for providing a beacon of hope to incels everywhere."The mere glaring, obvious existence of a quid pro quo is not enough." – A 61-year-old smoker
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The remaining articles accuse Paxton of telling assorted lies in official statements; of abusing judicial processes to forestall his trial in a separate securities fraud case, for which Paxton was indicted in 2015; conspiracy; dereliction of duty; misappropriation of public resources; and general unfitness for office.
We can knock those out quickly: Thanks to the diligent work of the Trump GOP, lies not only are no longer wrong, they don’t even exist; delaying a trial for eight years is just good lawyering (the man is the attorney general, after all); conspiracy; dereliction of duty; misappropriation of public resources; and general unfitness are, in 2023, not a bug in politics. They are a feature.
So there, God. We hope you're happy with this little action of penance that was only slightly less painful than the self-flagellation popular among penitents in the Middle Ages. Please keep this in mind, God, on the remote chance that the Texas Senate someday votes to convict Paxton. Also be prepared for about 1,500 Hail Marys headed your way after the huge, drunk, schadenfreude-a-palooza we’ll be having that night.
