The Best FIFA Scandal Lawsuit Was Filed in Fort Worth

The corruption charges unveiled in New York last month against more than a dozen international soccer bigwigs shook FIFA to its core, but the long arm of American justice somehow missed longtime FIFA President Joseph "Sepp" Blatter, the world's most notorious sportocrat. Those hoping that Blatter will experience a comeuppance stronger than his abrupt but voluntary resignation will now either have to wait for the FBI and international authorities, who are reportedly still investigating Blatter, or will have to turn to, of all places, Fort Worth, where an epic legal fight is taking shape.

Late last week, a self-proclaimed whistle-blower named Messi Beckham filed a lawsuit against Blatter, FIFA and eight other international soccer officials accusing them of systemic corruption and claiming personal knowledge of vote buying in awarding the 2022 World Cup. The lawsuit is embedded below, but first let's establish the relevant facts:

Just who is this "Messi Beckham"?

Mr. (Ms.?) Beckham appears to be a relative unknown in international soccer circles. A Google search for the name yields 32,000 results, but all of them appear to be webpages referencing both FC Barcelona forward/best player in the universe Lionel Messi and legendary midfielder/English heartthrob David Beckham, who are separate people.

What we do know is this:

  • Beckham identifies him/herself as an "International whistleblower and David Beckham's cousin."
  • In Beckham's handwritten petition, the first name is written with a cutesy bubble dotting the 'i."
  • Beckham's home address is listed as 7950 Jones Branch Drive, McLean, Virginia, where he cohabitates with newspaper/broadcasting giant Gannett.
  • For unspecified reasons, Messi Beckham had the lawsuit mailed to federal court in Fort Worth by Tyson Johnson, a resident of a state prison unit in Pennsylvania whose handwriting bears a remarkable though no doubt coincidental resemblance to Beckham's, minus the cutesy "i" bubbles.

What does Messi Beckham want?
Justice. Also, $100 million. Because "the Defendants are Evil Warmongers and soccer are the worst."

Does Beckham really have first-hand knowledge of FIFA corruption?
Yes, to wit:

  • "Defendant Joseph Sepp Blatter kicked a soccer ball in my Face to stop me from whistleblowing."
  • "Blatter kicked a soccer ball in my Bladder."
  • "Defendants blasted 'Great Balls of Fire' in my eardrums."

Does Beckham offer additional evidence?
Tons, if by "evidence" one actually means "uncorroborated but not all technically impossible fever dreams." This includes:

  • "All soccer balls by FiFa are rigged with RFID chip Gps guided technology to score goals during soccer ggames at anytime to munipulate and cheat all soccer games outcomes where defendants bet on soccer games."
  • "Defendants move the goal posts — they don't play fair in life."
  • "Joseph Sepp Blatter looks like Bernie Madoff and called Bernie Madoff his Idol."
  • "Joseph Blatter was named after Joseph Stalin."
  • "Defendants stole soccer balls at Dicks sporting goods to protect their bottom line — save money.
  • "Defendants deflate soccer balls — like Deflategate with Tom Brady."
  • "JB Hunt on Blatters Direct order Delivers soccer balls to ISIS."

Did Blatter benefit personally from any of this?
Yes. According to Beckham:

  • Blatter and his co-defendants in the lawsuit: "use[d] illegal kickback money to buy Penis Enlargements, male enhancement drugs, body wax, Head N Shoulders for themselves."
  • "Nike payed for Defendants Jos A. Bank Suits."
  • "Adidas payed for Joseph Blatters Rectum surgery"
  • "Coca Cola bought defendant Blatter Diet Coke."
  • "Blatter received a Whirlpool washer if he give Qatar 2022 world cup."

The feds are going after FIFA on organized crime charges. What's Beckham's legal strategy?
In a novel decision, possibly to keep Blatter et al on their toes, Beckham filed the case as a "Bivens Action," which stems from a 1971 Supreme Court case allowing citizens to sue federal law enforcement agents for violating their Fourth Amendment rights to protection from unreasonable search and seizure.

Sounds legit. What's he going to do with all that money?
Beckham plans to donate all of it to charity causes like: "Hurricane Superstorm Sandy victims that were Duped by evil Insurance companies, victims of corrupt police using Taser International tasers, Dred Scotts relatives, Walter Scotts siblings, Homeless in Scottsbluff Nebraska, mom and Pop shops stopped by capitalism, middle class subjected to obamacare, and Gabby Giffords."

So far, Beckham has failed to pay the $400 in filing/administrative fees necessary to prosecute the case. If the payment doesn't arrive soon, Bladder may avoid this legal quagmire as well.

Send your story tips to the author, Eric Nicholson.

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