This is what I imagine Memorial Day looks like.
This is what I imagine Memorial Day looks like.

Weather: Memorial Day And All Associated Festivities Are Canceled

Memorial Day. Now, I don't know exactly what Memorial Day is, being from abroad. I'm not letting that stop me from speculating, however. As it is an American holiday in almost-summer I'm going to assume you have idyllic plans. Apple pie, grilling, family members, monster trucks, shooting animals, grossly misunderstanding the usefulness of the abstract notion of "freedom," that sort of thing. Just because I'm not one of you doesn't mean I don't understand you.

Unfortunately, the Lord above, who I'm led to believe is to blame for the weather (although some culpability must fall at the feet of the Holy Spirit for being so damn unknowable) has decreed that this is not your weekend. In fact, the whole of next week is pretty much a write-off at this point.

Look at that proud American flag. There will be no proud American flags flying on Monday. Instead, all American flags will be damp, limp, and resentful of the weather. What clearer message is there that America has sinned than torrential rain on Memorial Day? None. That is what. Mend your ways, America, before God gets really serious and sends tornadoes on Christmas Day. Consider this a warning.

Furthermore, in the top left here, you can tell it's summer because of the heat penis.

Just the tip, Wylie. Just the tip.


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