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| Weather |

Weekend Dallas Weather: Cancel Everything

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To everyone in town this weekend for what are apparently a series of basketball games played by unpaid teenagers, we say welcome! Welcome to North Texas! How was the weather last night? That bad, huh? Well. If a few tornadoes and storms and the odd bit of baseball-sized hail are getting you concerned, then Dallas during the springtime is potentially not the best place for you.

I wish I could tell you that Saturday and Sunday will have the beautiful sunshine and blue skies of last weekend, but if I told you that, I would be a liar. One thing I am not is a liar. Terrible weather forecaster with no relevant experience, yes. Liar, no.

So, this weekend, it's looking like you'll want to get your plans out the way on Saturday. Something you want to attend on Sunday? Give up. Petition the organizers to move it to Saturday. Re-create the event in the comfort of your own home, which I hope is equipped with exterior shutters and a sizable garage, because that hail is not kidding around.

See that? That's a 60 percent chance of an apocalyptic Sunday. Let's be kind and imagine it's only a 50 percent chance. Got a coin? Flip it. There you go. That's it. It's raining now. See what you just did? Never do anything a satirical weather blog tells you to do. Will there be more tornadoes? Probably. I would invest in shares of Super Glue and window repair right now. Good luck with that Springsteen concert, 40,000 people.

In better news, if we've learned anything from the film Twister, it's that you should only attempt to tackle a tornado by standing outside and attaching your belt to a pipe of some sort, which will grant you immunity from the flying debris. Doing this will, in some way, protect you from the storms at the same time as providing a baffling climax to the weather-based movie you're starring in.

Oh, and there's a 20 percent chance of isolated thunderstorms on Saturday too. Just in case you were feeling secure about those plans. We asked a dog for his verdict on this weekend's weather. Here it is.

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