Welcome, Cheeseheads and Towlettes! Let Us Show You How to Get the True Big D Experience

Howdy, y'all! I'm Andrea, lifelong Texan, and as y'all's tour guide, I'd like to welcome y'all to North Texas. Dallas is real happy to have y'all here, not least because y'all are from Green Bay and Pittsburgh, so Dallas probably feels like an actual vacation, although the frosty weather this week is more akin to what y'all are used to. For a minute there, w'all were worried folks would be coming in from Chicago and New York, where they have, like, museums and Democrats.

I've got a great weekend planned, and it starts right when you land at D/FW International Airport. (We're guessing you didn't fly Southwest Airlines to Love Field, since poor folks fly Southwest, and poor folks don't get to go to the Super Bowl.) Because don't any of us want y'all to get outta here without feeling like y'all got the full "Big D" experience—and locals always say "Big D" just like we always say "y'all" and ride horses to work at the, uh, oil farm—this itinerary is all about doing the most maximally Dallas-like things possible at all times. OK, everybody on the bus!

Just kiddin'. Dallasites don't ride buses.

Friday morning: Land at D/FW! Yee-haw! Have you ever been to Dallas before? I bet your answer is, "Yes, but only to the airport, because I was waiting on my connecting flight to Las Vegas." So if you really want to do the Dallas thing proper, just hang out in the International Terminal E duty-free shop for a while and catch a flight elsewhere. But if you insist on going to the football game, head to the rental car counter. If you're lucky, our celebrity guests like Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino haven't snatched up every last Semi-truck themed disco-lit stretch Hummer with in-transit performances from rockin' Dallas natives Drowning Pool. Let the panties hit the (brushed neon-orange Berber carpeted) floor, amirightguys?

Friday, 1 p.m.: On your way into Downtown Dallas from DFW in your Escalade (you did at least get an Escalade, right?) you'll see the ruins of what used to be Texas Stadium, the venue that was once said to have a hole in its roof so that God could watch His Cowboys play. We blew that mother up like a year ago and reused its steel to build a giant metal Texas with a real big football shot straight through it. That's real meta if you think about it, and we Texans think about Texas about 95 percent of the time, when we're not thinking about tacos. Anyway, the thing's on display now in Fort Worth, which is 40 miles away and filled with rabid jackals and untreatable strains of malaria. You're welcome to go check it out!

Friday, 3 p.m.: After checking into the 400-square-foot Uptown studio you rented from one of our illustrious debt-ridden, BMW-driving $30,000 millionaires, drive down to Dealey Plaza at Main and Houston streets, the home of Dallas' most famous—and only, but we don't let that get us down none—tourist attraction. Dealey Plaza holds dark and painful memories for Dallasites who will never forget that unforgettable day, that gray, colorless morning that signaled the end of an era, when Erykah Badu stripped down naked for a music video and walked down the sidewalk for a while. While you're there posing for photos with your pants down, get a shot of the X's marked on the street—the spot is also where John F. Kennedy was assassinated in 1963!

In the plaza you'll see a lengthy fountain that looks, and occasionally smells, like the piss trough at a honky-tonk. Feel free to use it as such. Dallas homeless dudes have been doing so for years. Whoops, did I say homeless dudes? Dallas actually doesn't have any of those because of our long-standing commitment to forward-thinking social welfare initiatives such as fining indigent people several hundred dollars for bumming change downtown in the weeks leading up to a major national sporting event.

Friday, 3:15 p.m.: Pop into the Sixth Floor Museum cafe and gift shop over on Elm Street and pay your respects to the memory of JFK with a $4 cupcake.

Friday, 3:30 p.m.: When you've had your fill of watching beautifully restored vintage film of President Kennedy driving to his untimely death projected up on the wall at the cafe, drive yourself back east through the heart of downtown, which should only take a couple of hours in traffic. Here, avail yourself of Dallas' storied shopping culture by stopping at Neiman Marcus and then EVERYTHING $1 and...back to Neiman Marcus. Jerry Jones personally sent a letter to every Dallasite assuring us that the Super Bowl would pump more than $600 million into the local economy, and we can't do it unless you buy a couple of pairs of Louboutins. Actually, better make it three just to be sure! Thanks.

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Andrea Grimes
Contact: Andrea Grimes