Food News

Welcome to Bikinis, Texas: Austin Businessman Wants to Turn Entire Hill Country Town Into a Giant Breastaurant

Temple Smith was a farsighted man. In 1913, the president of Fredericksburg's first bank had sense enough to help finance the construction of a rail line between Fredericksburg and Comfort. A small town, Bankersmith, was settled there, but Smith saw beyond the relative boom that brought a post office, lumberyard, and dance hall.

Smith saw past even the town's decline into virtual nonexistence during and after the Great Depression. Yes, Smith no doubt was looking toward the day when the town that bears his name would be purchased by a breastaurant chain, have its name changed to Bikinis, Texas, and be transformed into a getaway for frisky, middle-aged men who have apparently never heard of a strip club.

That day has come. Austin breastaurateur Doug Guller announced today that his company, ATX Brands, LLC, had purchased the town after he spotted it recently on Craig's list and "will change the name to Bikinis, Texas after his successful breastaurant franchise," according to a press release.

"Bikinis, TX will be a world class destination and I am thrilled to expand the Bikinis brand to include town ownership," the release quotes him as saying. "There can't be a better way to put Bikinis on the map...Literally."

Let's hope his party destination is better than his puns.

The website has few details about how, specifically, Guller plans to make the mostly uninhabited stretch of Hill Country "world class," but it's guaranteed to include youngish, large-chested women in undersized swimwear. And Bankersmith/Bikinis is unincorporated land, so there will be no need to settle whether it should have a strong mayor or city manager form of government or haggle over zoning restrictions. Instead there will be just one overgrown adolescent with too much money and too many willing charges.

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Eric Nicholson
Contact: Eric Nicholson