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Nothing better than watching the Cowboys win, right? Unless, that is, you watch the Cowboys win while getting a naked rubdown from this chick and having them cover the spread as the sixth winner in your $100 parlay. The accessories are up to you, but let’s see if I can’t be of some assistance in making your Cowboys experience profitable. (It’s all, obviously, just for fun. Monopoly money, if you will. No columnist from an alternative paper whose financial backbone is topless bars and escort services would ever point his righteous readers in a decadent direction.)

Let’s start with a mythical bankroll of $1,000, courtesy of Bodog sports online gaming. First, because their site is easy to navigate. Second, because they’re based in Costa Rica and have had minimal success tracking me down in the past. I’ll analyze each Cowboys game and make a wager every Friday. With any luck, by Christmas it’ll be iPhones for everyone.

In Sunday night’s season opener the Cowboys are hosting the New York Giants, giving 6 points. My initial thought: too many points. Of course, my initial thought was to stuff my life savings in Mason jars and bury it in the backyard at the first hint of Y2K, so let’s dig a little deeper before getting out the shovels, shall we?

You’ll recognize the Giants. Eli Manning throwing wobblers to Plaxico Burress. Michael Strahan rushing off the edge. Coach Tom Coughlin incessantly barking on the sidelines. What you won’t see is Tiki Barber (retired, replaced by Brandon Jacobs), an effective Strahan (35 and coming off a missed training camp) or even an average secondary (Sam Madison, still?).

The Cowboys have their own pimples. Receiver Terry Glenn is out with a bum knee, eliminating the deep threat from the offensive playbook. Cornerback Terence Newman (heel) will be gimpy at best. Pass-rusher Greg Ellis remains a no-show. And turns out quarterbacks coach Wade Wilson is impotent. If that shit’s contagious, all bets are off.

Bottom line: Gimme the Giants, plus the 6 points for $100. I see the Cowboys winning, but without Glenn and a full-speed Newman and with a rookie kicker (Nick Folk) in his first NFL game, I’m leery about giving up that much pop. --Richie Whitt

STARTING BANKROLL: $1,000 SEASON RECORD: 0-0 CURRENT BANKROLL: $1,000 PENDING: Giants +6 over Cowboys for $100

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