Dear Dallas Weather: Stop trying to be Seattle. If we wanted to live in Seattle, we'd buy a train, fill it with enough Bob Armstrong queso to last us a lifetime and drive it there. But we don't want that. We want to live in Dallas: the land of patio weather and tornadoes 'n' shit. But this spitting rain stuff has got to go. The tulips are pissed. The marigolds are taking antidepressants. It's time for the fucking sunshine to start sun-shining already.
You've already probably heard the "It's gonna rain all the time, only we're not exactly sure which all-the-time times, but definitely cancel your outdoor plans for at least the 10-day" forecasts. But have you heard them as '90s pop music hits? No. No you have not.
Behold: Your 5-day Dallas Forecast as '90s Pop Music Hits
Thursday night: Jewel "Foolish Games/You Were Meant For Me"
There's a 40 percent chance of rain, and a 100 percent chance you'll be crying into your green tea again tonight because of this depressing ass weather. Do: Put on your coat in the pouring rain. Don't: Go see a movie. It just won't be the same. It's time for the dang sun to get its shit together.
Friday: Boyz II Men's "I'll Make Love To You"
The weather has been cloudy and crappy all week. But, Friday's here for you. It'll be sexy, not too windy, with a high of 75 and 100 percent chance of patio weather. It's the prettiest day of the next five days, so you should be sure to enjoy the shit out of it. It'll open your mind to feelings you never thought you could have about the weather. If it asks you to blow it, blow it. You must love and cherish this weather.
Saturday: Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You"
The day will start cloudy, and you'll long for yesterday's sunny undumpiness. It'll end pretty shittily, with a 40 percent chance of holy crap thunderstorms. Don't do drugs.
Sunday: Ace of Base "The Sign" Sunday is about to get Ace of Base-d in its Sunday face. Oh, you wanna go on a nature walk outside? Not sure if you saw it, but Ace of Base made a sign and it says, "NOT TODAY, DIPSHIT." Fucking Ace of Base ruined the weekend, man. Sucks so bad.
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Monday: The Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix) Monday's going all Macarena on your ass. The rain is going to hit over and over and over again and you won't even see it coming or going or ever know why it came or went. This stormy, shitty Monday will be stuck in your head for decades to come. Taka-taka-taka-taka aaaaaiii!