Some restaurant menus have items on them that nobody in their right mind should ever order. They're like test items, so that your server can see if you're batshit crazy or not. For instance, if you order the burger at a Chinese restaurant, your server immediately flags you as a food idiot. And he's right. In this moment, you're a food dumbass. You walked right into that burger-at-a-Chinese-restaurant explosion of dumb, and you didn't even see it coming. Which is why I affectionately call these don't-ever-order menu items "foodmines."
If you're too batshit crazy to know that the item is a foodmine before you order it, another way you can tell that you're in trouble before you taste the foodmine is if your friends immediately doubt your order. If you hear a "Really?" after you order, CHANGE YOUR ORDER, LEST YOU DIE.
I happened to be alone the day that I ordered a foodmine. "I'll have the cucumber mint smoothie," I confidently said at the Pinkberry on Greenville Ave. "OK," said the kind guy behind the counter, maybe a little reluctantly -- I couldn't tell.
"Try something new, right?" I said, trying to convince myself that this was a great idea. Sounds healthy. And I like cucumbers. Freaking love mint. Also, yogurt is pretty much the whole reason I'm in this Pinkberry in the first place. Who says smoothies have to be sweet? Maybe this is will be as awesome as that time I had the delicious cucumber lemon mint frozen pop at the Pop Star during White Rock Local Market, right?
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Pinkberrysmoothies™ have 11 grams of protein in them, according to their website. They also claim to be delicious. I know that the strawberry smoothies are delicious -- they absolutely are. But this cucumber mint smoothie was a record scratch. And it's not even the smoothie's fault. This was entirely my own fault. The guy behind the counter even asked if I wanted a sample before I ordered the thing, and I just said, "Nah, I'm good." I was not, in fact, good.
And it's not like the cucumber mint smoothie is walking around going, "Oh, I'm totally as delicious as the strawberry smoothie! Whatever!" The cucumber mint smoothie knows that it is to the smoothie menu what the oatmeal raisin cookie is to the cookie menu. It's the mincemeat pie of the otherwise delicious and full-of-normal-pie-options pie menu. It's meatloaf on a steak menu.
To those who will inevitably disagree with me, I say, "Enjoy yourself. Continue to order that for you. When I want something healthier than a strawberry smoothie, I'll eat a salad instead of drinking one, thanks."
No thank you, cucumber mint smoothie. Strawberry smoothies forever.