Cheap Bastard

Don't Confuse Chop House Burger With Other Houses, Chops or Burgers

The apparently now required in every meatstaurant In Dallas cuts-of-meat mural count: 1 Guys burping count: 2

When I heard about Chop House Burger on Main Street, I instantly thought, "Oh, weren't they on Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives and don't they have another location in Arlington or somewhere?" And Google was like, "You fucking idiot. Chop House Burgers (spelled with an "s") in Arlington (spelled with a "boring") was on Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives, not Chop House Burger (singular) on Main Street in Dallas."

Me: Ohhhh. I get it. It's the place that serves steaks. But they serve burgers too.

Google: Now you're thinking Dallas Chop House on Main Street and Chop House Burger on Main Street are the same place. They're not. Stop sucking.

Me: So, you're telling me that three places in town (just go with me and pretend Arlington is "in town") have pretty much the same name while "Face Burgers," "Muh-Muh-Muh-My Burgerona," and "Burgerstein: The Home of the Burger In A Beer Stein" are still available names? Dallas sucks at naming things.

At noon, when I showed up at Chop House Burger, the restaurant was already packed with business people. There was Rich "Uncle" Pennybags From Monopoly, "Take Me Seriously But I'mma Still Wear This Slutty Dress" Business Lady, Big-Bellied Laughing Lawyer Man, Too Many Buttons Unbuttoned On A Work Shirt Guy, Holds The Door Open For Everyone Guy and even "Can I Get That With No Bun?" Banker Lady.

I ordered the Buffalo Burger ($6.95), got super excited about buffalo meat and then read the menu and found out that in this case, "Buffalo" means "wing sauce." Luckily, the Chop House Burger Buffalo Burger is topped with "homemade wing sauce," blue-cheese sauce, red onion, tomato and lettuce. I also ordered a side of truffle oil fries ($2.95), because fake truffle tastes good. I know it's fake. I don't care. You know Dallas tits are fake, and you still like 'em.

When the burger and fries showed up, I realized something key about Chop House Burger: They make a lady burger. It's a six-bite burger, tops. It's cute. I liked it. But it was pretty small for its $6.95 price tag.

If I go back, I'm gonna get three orders of truffle fries and call it a good day. Those things were killer.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade