Screw New Year's Resolutions: 10 Ultra-Unhealthy Dallas Dishes

Sliders at Matchbox.EXPAND
Sliders at Matchbox.
Kathy Tran

Let’s have an honest chat for a second. Did you resolve to lose weight in 2017? How have the first couple days gone? Are you about ready to snap, or is the temptation to sin all gone?

This list is here to be a little devil sitting on your shoulder whispering unhelpful thoughts into your ear. These are 10 supremely unhealthy foods from in and around Dallas, dishes sure to wreck that Paleo diet for good. Read it and test your willpower — or be honest, say “fuck it” and start making dinner plans. The weight loss can start after you’ve learned that deep-fried meat-stuffed hot-sauced mashed potatoes are a thing.

The English Breakfast plate, curried beans and allEXPAND
The English Breakfast plate, curried beans and all
Kathryn DeBruler

The ultimate carnivorous hangover brunch
Independent Bar & Kitchen, 2712 Main St.
Soft-boil an egg, wrap it in sausage meat and deep-fry that sucker — that’s how Independent Bar & Kitchen makes Scotch eggs, and they’re just getting warmed up. The full English breakfast, served at brunch, is a glorious almost-all-meat sunrise with American bacon, English bacon, a link of sausage and two eggs vying for space on the plate. The tomatoes are grilled, the beans are curried and the mushrooms are, of course, fried. There’s a griddled potato pancake hanging around to wipe out any remaining pockets of healthfulness.

The I Love You Bacon Burger with cherrywood smoked bacon for $12.99EXPAND
The I Love You Bacon Burger with cherrywood smoked bacon for $12.99
Nick Rallo

Deep-fried burgers? They’re real at Dallas Beer Kitchen
Dallas Beer Kitchen, 1802 Greenville Ave.
This new burger features a chicken-fried patty that’s 32 percent fat, with cheddar and Sriracha ranch dressing. And then there’s the I Love You Bacon Burger, which makes up for its lack of deep frying with a latticework of bacon. Need we mention the huge, perfectly-cooked onion rings that arrive alongside? Yes, we need mention them.

Prepare thy stomach for this meat-stuffed potato fritter and its glorious hot sauce side kick.EXPAND
Prepare thy stomach for this meat-stuffed potato fritter and its glorious hot sauce side kick.
Brian Reinhart

Deep-fried, meat-stuffed, hot-sauced mashed potatoes
El Tesoro del Inca, 733 N. Belt Line Road, Irving
Sounds like a State Fair food, right? But deep-fried, meat-stuffed mashed potatoes are, in fact, a traditional Peruvian food called papa rellena, available at several restaurants across the Dallas suburbs. At El Tesoro del Inca on Belt Line in Irving, papa rellena is served as an appetizer, but the potato fritter — stuffed with ground beef, chunks of hard-boiled egg and an olive — is big enough for a full meal. Be sure to add El Tesoro’s dazzling, scorching, mouth-destroying but curiously beige hot sauce.

Rice Chicken's No. 6, divided between regular spicy chicken and "sweet and spicy" sauced chicken. Notice the non-abundance of veggies.EXPAND
Rice Chicken's No. 6, divided between regular spicy chicken and "sweet and spicy" sauced chicken. Notice the non-abundance of veggies.
Brian Reinhart

Fried chicken, hold the sides
Rice Chicken, 2558 Royal Lane
One of the refreshing things about Korean fried chicken restaurants is that they don’t even pretend to offer a balanced diet. Collard greens? Nah. Mashed potatoes? No way. You’ll get a few slices of pickled radish and a tiny cup of coleslaw, if you’re lucky. Rice Chicken offers those sides with its spicy-battered fried chicken. Most restaurants will also supply the only side dish fried chicken needs: a ridiculously cheap pitcher of draft light beer.

The D.F. torta at El Rincon del D.F., in a gas station on Walnut Hill near Harry Hines. That's chorizo, hot dogs, cheese, peppers, avocado, lettuce, tomato, onion and who knows what else.
The D.F. torta at El Rincon del D.F., in a gas station on Walnut Hill near Harry Hines. That's chorizo, hot dogs, cheese, peppers, avocado, lettuce, tomato, onion and who knows what else.
Brian Reinhart

Is a hot dog a sandwich? That’s a trick question at El Rincon del D.F.
El Rincon del D.F., 2630 Walnut Hill Lane
This gas station counter’s namesake D.F. torta is jam-packed with chorizo and “sausage,” but the sausage is, well, hot dog slices. The torta is so long it’s served with one end of the loaf tucked underneath the rest of the sandwich. When the cashier asks if you want “everything,” answer yes to get cheese, avocados, jalapeños, lettuce, tomato and onion. El Rincon has several dozen tortas, all the size of small children, including a Cubano that’s described as having a little bit of every ingredient they possess.



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