Audio By Carbonatix
Labor Day might mark the unofficial start of fall, but fall really begins this Friday. We’ve suffered through record-breaking heat and, maybe worse, Pete Delkus’ tweets about it, for months, but now with football season in full swing and the State Fair just around the corner we can officially get excited about fall.
What’s not to love about fall? Leaves turn shades of yellow and orange, outdoor enthusiasts flock to the running trails and lakes and restaurant patios fill up with brunchers who enjoy the breeze with a side of bacon. Usually turkey bacon around these parts, but we won’t judge.
What we will take issue with is the influx of overpriced and ugly decorations on store shelves and in our neighbors’ yards and homes. It seems every store, from the usual suspects (your chain home goods stores) to the typically innocuous retailers, known for their “refined” taste (we’re looking at you, Horchow and this $220 glittery pine cone concoction), are so eager to profit during this season that they’ll hawk anything that either looks like the stuff of preschool art projects or the stuff you just raked up in the yard. And now even that rake is a decoration.
And what is it about autumn that makes people want to put dried leaves and cornucopias all around their homes? We’re not sure, but we know we’re tired of seeing that stuff and other frumpy fall décor. After the jump, see the list of autumn decorations we’re ready to bury with the snowfall we’re hoping for.
Fall Food Candles
Pumpkins, pears and corn are just a sampling of foods that have been turned to waxy fall wonders, but no matter how much an ear of corn enthralls us these candles don’t serve their traditional purpose. Once they’ve burned for a few hours, they lose their luster. Who wants to see at a half-burned pumpkin on your leaf-covered mantle? Probably the same people who have a romantic dinner over roasted corn candles. Bet those smell like burned Jiffy Pop.
Dried Floral/Leaves/Wheat Wreaths
When did people start celebrating fall by hanging dried flowers and crap on the front door? We blame Martha Stewart. She’s almost always behind silly craft trends like this.
Vintage Gardening Tools
We’re not sure when it became fashionable to buy used gardening tools and display them outside the house, but apparently that’s what some consider to be cool fall décor. We hate to pick on Pottery Barn, but we think we can purchase an “authentic rake” at the hardware store. No matter where we get our gardening tools, they’re certainly not going to be displayed on the porch surrounded by a bunch of store-bought leaves.
Crafty Turkeys
They’re not just for Thanksgiving dinner anymore. We’ve despised those cutesy, painted turkeys you see in neighbors’ yards for years, but now there’s a flock of rustic birds made to cater to the consumer that prefers the straw-and-feather look. At Pottery Barn, a trio of “natural turkeys” will set you back more than 100 bucks. Whoever started this trend should be tarred and feathered.
Gourd Centerpieces
We’re willing to love a pumpkin as much as the next person, but we can’t excuse the mounds of squash – real or fake – that people use as centerpieces on their dining tables this time of the year. What are worse are the gold leaf-encrusted, wild oat-spewing gourd centerpieces you can purchase at almost any home goods retailer now. Even worse? This arrangement from Linens ‘n Things has a gourd that looks like a turkey. Double décor fail.
Smiling Scarecrows
Scarecrows used to serve a purpose, but over the years they’ve become nothing more than characters in children’s films and stuffed accessories for the home. They’re not whimsical, or even cute. They’re just tacky, and the fact that our neighbor has multiple scarecrows on her doorstep makes us scared to ask a cup of sugar. So maybe they do serve a purpose.
