We Put Some Texas Leaders in the Barbie Selfie Generator

There's a new Barbie movie on the horizon and the marketing machine is in full swing trying to get people to the theaters. They hit pay dirt this week when they released a new "selfie generator" that lets users put photos into a Barbie-style box so they can pretend to be the playthings of impressionable humans.

Images produced by the generator have been shared widely, so we thought we'd have a go at it. There are many moments that have made us thankful for the internet, but this was not one of them.

The Barbie selfie generator puts a person's likeness in front of a sparkly Mattel-spiked logo and behind the swirly font of the Barbie logo. It also places a line of text above that describes your "Barbie" or "Ken" with a randomized caption. So we dove into our archives and pulled out photos of some local political and business leaders and let the generator do its thing. You can probably guess where this is going.

"Ken" Cruz

It's kind of a surprise that no one has done Sen. Ted Cruz already. Then again, maybe it's a sign that we're thinking about him less and less.

"Ken" Cruz is appropriate in so many ways. The real Cruz may not have any genitalia either since he served it up to a former prez on a gold platter. The real Cruz also goes on vacation at really bad times.

Accessories: "Vacation Cruz" wardrobe complete with a Texas flag face mask, a daypack of prepared, written excuses, full-length mirror for admiring his hero, himself.

"Ken" Jones

One of many controversies that the Barbie franchise has endured is the criticism that the doll teaches impressionable children to favor things like shallow beauty standards, consumerism and a body figure that can be achieved only by running a human torso through a wringer.

One controversy that hasn't come up is how the Barbie line tends to favor youth in its toys. Sure, Barbie is timeless, but there are mannequins that have aged more than Barbie has in the last half-century. So let's add "Ken" Jones to the line. Hell, it's possible he thought of the idea and tried to get Mattel to produce one anyway.

A "Ken" Jones would have a lot of great benefits. It could improve Barbie's unrealistic youth standards and teach children that you don't need to be an eternal 20-year-old to buy power and youth. It could teach children how hard work and determination are meaningless when you can get governments to give you everything you want. It can tell children that you can lose every single season and still be fabulously rich because no one can fire a sports team owner.

Accessories: Pretty much everything Barbie has right now, except the government pays for all of it.

"Ken" Paxton

We didn't just run the state's attorney general mug through the Barbie selfie generator because he and Barbie's ex share a first name. That's just an unhappy coincidence.

Paxton gets a lot of heat for basically being a Snidley Whiplash if Whiplash got away scot-free after tying innocent people to train tracks. He's constantly under investigation or indictment, and proud of it. A long, garish mustache to twirl while an evil plan unfolds would actually make him more likable.

Having a toy or real version Paxton to play would be ridiculously expensive because it takes a LOT of money to buy a Texas attorney general. We're talking the equivalent of five Barbie dream houses, all of which are in King County. Thankfully, Paxton's accessories have more than enough room to stash all that cash.

Accessories: A walk-in freezer for holding cash, a written apology boilerplate, a team of taxpayer-funded "Civil Ken" defense attorneys.

"Ken" Crow

Let's be fair. The GOP mega-donor and private investor Harlan Crow has done a lot of good for the city of Dallas. He and his family have donated loads of money to artistic preservation and museum endeavors. The family helped establish the Dallas Symphony Orchestra and the Dallas Theater Center. They've helped the city in a lot of areas the state can barely be bothered to address, such as education and healthcare.

Then the other shoe dropped and we found out that Crow has been paying for lavish trips and gifts for Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. We just found it out because Thomas had never disclosed any of Crow's thank you gifts on any official documents.

Crow may be the most famous local citizen who you wouldn't recognize because there aren't many available pictures of him that don't come with a subscription payment. Given what we know about him, that tracks. When he and Thomas ride Space Mountain at Disneyland, he probably charges the park for the opportunity to take his "on-ride" photo.

Accessories: A book of homemade coupons for hugs and dishwashing IOUs for Thomas, a private jet nicknamed "The Gavel," a full mirror that just says "Picture not found."