Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, all. We told you Thursday that The Real Housewives franchise is heading to Dallas. Bravo is staying hush-hush on the cast, teasing everything in front of our faces like we are damn dogs begging for a treat. So we took it upon ourselves to ask you, faithful readers, for some insight. What’s the hot gossip? What women do you think would subject themselves to trash reality television? Do you know anything at all?
We got some clues. In fact, an anonymous source tells us certain Dallas women have been staging parties and attending charity events around Dallas. And our extensive research (social media stalking) tells us these same women are way too excited about lowlife TV. We put together some educated guesses and here are the women we think could totally, probably, definitely be The Real Housewives of Dallas.
Who is she? Smoot is a fashion, food and charity blogger with her own blog ohsocynthia.com. She’s also a “marketing strategist, public relations networker, a Southern Belle, and blogger.” Those are all her words, because honestly, we don’t know what a public relations networker is exactly and we think it maybe sounds made up. OH, she's so Cynthia.
Married? She tweeted in July about a husband, so sure. We do know she has a 15-year-old son, though.
Why we think she is a Housewife: She is way too excited for this show about socialites. She wrote an entire blog post on it and then said at the end, “To those of you who have been tweeting and messaging me to ask if I am on the cast, I am immensely flattered that you think I am witty/pretty/interesting enough to make the cut. Thank you for the ego stroke. We will all have to wait for Bravo to confirm the cast so I can really get to work... Stay tuned!” She did not deny it. We repeat: No denial. Also, her Instagram bio is the link to her Housewives blog post. Also, she had a shirt made, which is, like, what on earth.
Who is she? We told you in a previous post that Locken was most likely going to be featured on the show when we thought it was Ladies of Dallas. She describes herself as a television personality, actress, author and overall pretty person. OK, that last part was us.
Married? Not married, but dating a former Dallas SWAT guy.
Why we think she is a Housewife: She went on KVIL 103.7 with Leigh Ann Adam and Courtney Kerr on Thursday to specifically talk about the Dallas Housewives. She didn't say whether she was on the cast or not, but why in the world would she be the chosen one to speak about it if she had nothing to do with it? This isn't rocket surgery. Amirite?
Who is she? Hendra is the creator of Sanctuary of Style, a fashion blog/vlog where she opens videos with lines like, "Who is a fellow accessories addict?" Sanctuary of Style was a finalist on the OWN Network's Your OWN Show, where Hendra pitched the idea directly to Mark Burnett, the man behind Survivor and The Voice. On the "fun facts" part of her website, it says she wanted to be Olivia Newton-John when she grew up. Well, hopefully a Bravo Housewife will suffice.
Married? Yes, to an Aussie rocker. Sure, like Keith Urban.
Why we think she is a Housewife: Hendra accompanied Locken on Thursday to the KVIL interview to discuss Bravo's Dallas announcement.
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Who is she? Her Twitter bio reads "Artist. Contrarian. Fashion Obsessed Makeup Addict." She is a contributing beauty editor to Snob Essentials, where they have stories about applying lipstick for 20 minutes.
Married? She was a few years ago, but we don't know if they are still together. We know she has a son, though.
Why we think she is a Housewife: She literally Instagrammed pictures of the announcement of the show with a "More details to come!" caption. What details if you're not involved? Huh? Riddle us that, Heidi. Why are you so interested in a show featuring bitch slapping?
Wildcard: Stephanie Hollman
Who is she? She is the wife of Travis Hollman, president of Hollman, Inc.
Married? Yes, with two kids.
Why we think she is a Housewife: We got an anonymous tip that she is believed to be one. Stephanie Hollman also tweets and interacts with the above women on social media, so that's a bit of a clue. And Travis Hollman's Twitter account follows the above women, as well as Bravo TV. This one is our wildcard, but it very well could be true.
We are 100 percent sure these are educated guesses. If you have any insight, let us know. Pretty please. If not, we'll toss wine in your face and start a feud.