Eight Reasons Why Your Major Music Store Chain Employee Hates You

Most music megastores have disappeared. Fast.

The two Virgin Megastores I worked at--the first being Dallas' Mockingbird and 75 location, the second on the Sunset Strip in Los Angeles--are now defunct.

The similar big boxes that remain--whether they be Target, Best Buy or Barnes & Noble--are mega for a reason: They sell more than just music.

Which brings me to the point of this list: when chains don't die, Virgin Megastore-esque, mall-based music giants tend to bring in a range of double-rainbow-level-intense people.

Some of you (you may know who you are) are an enormous pain in the ass to an employee who has been filing CDs in the L-Z section of Country. I'm not complaining about the job or directly insulting anyone, but a little context helps.

Just so you know: Here are some reasons why major music store employees hate you.

1. You're an Amazing, Brilliant Expert.
Let me share a scenario, nearly identical to one that once occurred to me:

[Customer approaches employee.]
Customer: "Do you have 'Tiny Dancer' by Tim McGraw?"
Employee: "You mean Tim McGraw's cover of 'Tiny Dancer'? Yeah, I heard that at the movies."
Customer: "No, not the cover. The original song, by Tim McGraw."
Employee: "Well, the original was by Elton John."
Customer [becoming angry, frustrated]: "No, I don't think so. You know what? I'll find it."

[Scoffs, walks away.]

Breaking news: You're not a music expert. You're just like the rest of us--you like music that makes you feel good, and you shoot for that. Pretending to know everything about music is just a waste of time. The employee doesn't know either, and if he or she thinks "expert" is a label they deserve, than they are also full of shit.

2. You blame the employee for obvious corporate-run policies.
Once, at one of the Dallas stores, we gave out some of "Buy 10 Get 1 Free" stamp cards. The thing was--they expired after three months. Yes, that truly sucks, but I didn't make the rule. Some asshat, corporate puppy-eater did. So, to the guy who, when told of the expired card in what I perceived to be a congenial manner, tore the card up in rectangles and tossed the entire remnants in my face: Thanks. I worked there for one purpose: Free CDs. All the other rules were made by Richard Branson's lapdogs.

3. You have to use the public restroom--and get upset when there isn't one.
Emergencies are understandable (diarrhea excluded).  One of the stores I worked at in Dallas had no public restroom. Sucks, yes--especially when you're carrying all of those Urban Outfitter bags and you have a few gallons of macchiato in your bladder. It's a real problem. Be a mature human: Accept the fate and move to another restroom. Why chance your genitals exploding because you want to scream at an 18-year old employee anyway?

4. You don't understand why you can't return a CD that's open.
Dude, you opened it!

5. You're really, really creepy.
This is contingent on the fact that the chain you're in has nudey DVDs and books. Both Megastores I worked at had an adult section, and both brought in skeevbags who did bizarre shit in that section. One dude reorganized (while emitting some sort of strange, wet cough) the area. Alphabetically.

6. You return a DVD because it has the "black bars" around the edges.
It's called "widescreen." You know what that means? It means the film looked so awesome on the screen they didn't want to squeeze it into this square shaped, crap-box and ruin the photographer's work. Film school snob note: Widescreen is always better.

7. You're a store sabateur.
Seriously? You left your drippy, sticky carmelized cup on the Led Zeppelin CDs? Cool, thanks. If I see you again, you might see Sbarro leftovers flying through the air.

8. You're 40 times louder when the headphones are on.
Listening stations: Fun. Loud, bad singing based on what's projecting through your headphones: Migraine inducing.