Ten Headlines You Will Never See Coming Out of SXSW

As imagined by Bill Jensen, with contributions from Erin Broadley, Craig Hlavaty, Nick Rallo, Alexia Tsotsis, and me. All Village Voice Media's SXSW coverage here.

1. "Random Guy With Guitar On Street Signed To Major Record Label"

2. "AT&T Makes Up For Past SXSW Coverage With Zero Dropped Calls, Lightning-Fast Connection"

3. "Wristband Holders Have Nothing But Love And Respect For Badge Holders"

4. "Acquaintance Who Says, 'Sorry I Missed Your Show' Actually Means It"

5. "Area Man Holding 'Free Hugs' Sign Gets Tons Of Out-Of-Town Pussy"

6. "Hotel Mini-Bar Left Untouched"

7. "Hipster Tweets About Meeting Obscure Bands, Doesn't Annoy Followers"

8. "MySpace 'Secret' Show Stays Secret"

9. "All Bathroom Stalls at Vice After-Party Only Have One Occupant"

10. "Waiting in 300-Person Line Best Decision Ohio Man's Ever Made"

Bonus: "Relationship at Home Remains Unthreatened by Conversation With Hot Swedish Guitar Player"

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