The Problem With... Coldplay's "Every Teardrop is a Waterfall"

I think I've figured out how the limeys in Coldplay think up their music: They visit museums and brainstorm ideas based on what they see there.

It's the only way a band could name their songs "Yellow" and "Clocks," if you think about it. You tend to see yellow stuff and clocks in museums.

The most glaring example of this method? Their last album, Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends. The cover appropriated a 19th century French painting and just painted the album title over it.

So here's what I'm thinking happened this time around, with the band's latest single, "Every Teardrop is a Waterfall": The band found a fountain shaped like a waterfall and one of them thought aloud, "I got an i'deah! The fall represents...teardrops!"

"Qwoit roit!" Chris Martin responded "every teardrop is loik a waterfall. Did I just blow your mind, mate?!"

Bad dialect aside, this new single sounds like something Coldplay could have written years ago. Chris Martin's metaphors are either obvious or dubious, never anywhere in between. Along with the titular line, the chorus tells us that "every siren is a symphony." I imagine a crowd of beatniks snapping their fingers to that one.

On the other end of Coldplay's poetry, the bewildering line "my pulses start cathedrals in my heart" confuses the listener more than it creates a profound image.

I probably shouldn't expect too much writing-wise from a band that rehashes the same exact water-as-tears metaphor over and over, though. (Coldplay's last single, "Christmas Lights," had the line "Tears we cried -- a flood.")

In light of my museum theory, I have a solution. I think someone needs to offer Coldplay cushy museum careers after they're finished up their next album. This way, they can enjoy all the art they've borrowed up until now.

And, in return, listeners don't have to put up with any more of the same Coldplay.

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Shahryar Rizvi
Contact: Shahryar Rizvi