Tiffany Is Performing at Vista Ridge Mall: Here Are Five People We Hope to See There

Some things are just timeless: among them a fine wine, a François Truffaut picture and seeing '80s pop princess Tiffany perform in a shopping mall. This Thursday, the seminal bubblegum one-hit wonder will hit Lewisville's Vista Ridge Mall. If you were born before 1990, you probably remember the music video for Tiffany's biggest hit, a cover of the Tommy James and The Shondells' 1967 classic "I Think We're Alone Now." The video features footage from Tiffany's 1987 shopping mall tour, as well as some vampy b-roll of the songstress hamming it up by some train tracks. If Sunday's performance is capable of recreating that magic, here is a list of people we're hoping to spot in the crowd.

5. This regulator dude This guy is the definition of chivalry, holding back a ravenous crowd from storming the stage and ripping this teenybopper to shreds. He doesn't even look like hired security, he's just being a dude, you know? This guy is a one-man Tiffany task force, fully dedicated to protecting mall pop at all costs with the same kind of ferocity you'd see at the edge of a punk show moshpit.

4. Gumby What the fuck even happened to Gumby? It's like one minute, he was there, filling our childhood with good, clean, amorphous and slightly psychedelic fun, and the next, he's a forgotten relic of the past. Gumby disappeared from our lives with no trace of closure, no valiant exit, no glorious ride into the sunset on Pokey's back. We deserve more than that, and I plan to confront him about it this week.

3. Dancing Grandpa If you're less than confident in your dance move repertoire, you better get your shit together, because this guy is going to embarrass the hell out of you. Grandpa Steal-Your-Girl over here managed to charm his way onto Tiffany's dance card in the late '80s with his sick moves, the very sight of which sent a single tear down the cheek of our regulator dude, pictured above. Don't hate the player, hate the game.

2. Kid Byrne I call this guy Kid Byrne because he's rocking a Kid N' Play flattop haircut, and shoulder pads that would make David Byrne sob into his Stop Making Sense suit on sight. Ladies and gentlemen, all the best things about the 1980s personified in one magnificent specimen of man. I think I love him.

1. Shoulder Boost Girl This girl is not fucking around. Being among the fanatic mob of Tiffany fans just isn't enough for her, for she must hover over the masses to establish dominance. Moments after this image was captured, Shoulder Boost Girl ferociously head-walked her way over to the side stage, to assure she'd be first in line for autographs. There were several juvenile casualties due to severed spinal injury.

See also: -The Top Ten All Time Best Replacement Lead Singers in Rock and Roll -Songs That Have Hidden Messages When Played in Reverse -The Ten Best Music Videos Banned by MTV

Keep up with DC9 at Night on Twitter or Facebook.

KEEP THE DALLAS OBSERVER FREE... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Vanessa Quilantan