Protecting the sanctity of our schools, the state Legislature passed a law requiring public schools to post a framed 16-by-20-inch copy of the Ten Commandments in legible text in their classrooms. Unfortunately, on a strapped $337 billion budget, our lawmakers couldn’t find any wiggle room to actually provide the posters to our teachers, who continuously rank in the bottom half of national teacher pay averages. So, school districts will need to rely on private donations or find the money in their own limited budgets to comply with the new law.
Senators Mayes Middleton of Galveston and Phil King of Weatherford drafted the bill, which was fast-tracked through the chambers.
“Our schools are not God-free zones. We are a state and nation built on 'In God We Trust,’” Middleton said in a news release after the bill passed the Senate. “Litigious atheists are no longer going to get to decide for everyone else if students and educators exercise their religious liberties during school hours.”
Advocates of the bill have claimed the Ten Commandments is as important a text to American history as the Constitution. One could argue that the large body of literary classics banned from classrooms was also important to American history, but that is neither here nor there, at least not here in Texas.
Gov. Greg Abbott had announced his intention to sign the bill into law before it even neared his desk, allowing ample time for civil liberty organizations to speed-dial their lawyers. In late June, Dallas-based Next Generation Action Network Legal Advocacy Fund filed a suit claiming the new law infringed on students’ religious freedom.
"Permanently posting the Ten Commandments in every Texas public-school classroom unconstitutionally pressures students into religious observance, reverence, and adoption of the state’s mandated religious scripture," the lawsuit reads.
As very serious journalists, we’re not here to opine on the constitutionality of forcing a large portion of Texas students who do not identify as Christian to gaze upon the Decalogue. No, we’re not here to advocate for Muslims, Buddhists, Zoroastrians or Confucians. Instead, we’re here to share what we think the state should also make room for in our classrooms.
We are willing to collaborate with any of our local politicians who would like to draft these into bills for the next session.
Save Money By Cutting Running Water, Use Litter Boxes Instead
This session, Rep. Stan Gerdes of Bastrop caught significant attention for a bill that would ban furries from public schools. While we appreciate someone finally handling the greatest issue within our public school system, children pretending to be animals, we think Gerdes’ efforts were misdirected. Among banning meowing, wearing cat ears on regular school days and grooming oneself, the bill also banned students from "using a litter box for the passing of stool, urine, or other human byproducts."But as school districts strain under the pressure of unsatisfactory budgets and face shuttering their doors permanently, pennies need to be pinched somewhere. Cutting running water in public schools and introducing massive litter pans could be the answer our districts need.
A district in Colorado tried this out, placing litter boxes in classrooms with small children. They did it to make emergency bathrooms during active shooter lockdowns, but we think it could be expanded statewide for everyday use.
The litter boxes will not be limited to furry-identifying pupils, but all students will have to “meow” for a hall pass.
Ex the Text, Send the Pigeon
As reporters, we’re rarely more than a few inches away from our phones, but we’re also not about to be pop-quizzed about the Chicken War of 1719, and as writers, we’re not often using the Pythagorean theorem to do whatever it is you use the Pythagorean theorem for. So we can afford to stay on X all day. It’s actually encouraged.But cellphone addiction is a real concern in the classroom. Teachers hate them. That’s why the state banned them in classrooms, and the Dallas Independent School District rolled out its own version of the ban. Now, students are required to stow their devices, and if they don’t, it goes straight to the principal’s office. Students will need to pay gradually increasing fines to be reunited with their pocket computer after multiple infractions. The state law and Dallas ISD allow for certain exceptions in emergency situations.
If you plan on texting your kid to see if they would prefer meatloaf or quesadillas for dinner, you may have to wait until the bell rings, unless the state takes our suggestion of training mass fleets of carrier pigeons to relay messages.
It’s a foolproof method. Students won’t have access to social media distractions, nor will they be able to send a quick text at lightning speed, but they will still have a vessel to communicate with the outside world.
As a media publication, we always embrace traditionalism and the written word. Maybe they can also include a lesson on the dying arts of cursive and reading analog clocks.
We’re not familiar with bird training, but we’re sure other fowl can be trained to deliver messages. We discourage the use of the pecking grackle in lower-level schools.
A Box DVD Set of The Apprentice
Children are America’s future, and for that reason, nothing will be more important than ensuring our youth have a solid grasp of The Art of the Deal. And what better way to learn than from the master himself?Starting this fall, all Texas classrooms should be required to have a DVD box set of the first five seasons of The Apprentice. The episodes will be re-edited to appear in split-screen, alongside a never-ending feed of Subway Surfers to ensure maximum attention is paid to the content.
Each episode of The Apprentice is roughly 60 minutes long, so to accommodate this new curriculum, teachers will be expected to cut science lessons in half, and any U.S. history prior to Ronald Reagan's election will no longer be taught. Students will be tested on The Apprentice’s subject matter at the end of each year when they gather in a school meeting room to vote on which of their teachers should be fired.
Of course, there is a book entitled The Art of the Deal, but kids these days don’t read. Teachers will be required to supply their own DVD box sets of the show for their classrooms. The complete first season is available on Amazon for only $159.98.
A Bulletproof Vest for Every Child
This summer, your child’s school supply list should look something like this: two packs of pencils, four boxes of tissues, a pack of dry-erase markers and one bulletproof vest.While Texas legislators have made it clear gun control isn’t on their agenda, Kevlar lobbyist money has warmed state lawmakers to the latest way to ensure students' safety at school. Schools should be required to guarantee every student has a well-fitting bulletproof vest near their desk on the first day of school, but most districts will pass the cost of procuring such vests on to parents.
Districts should also encourage the purchase of backpacks fitted with ballistic shields for parents who want to go above and beyond. A company called Atomic Defense sells the backpacks for the low cost of $279, and don’t worry about your child being left out of the latest cutesy backpack trends. Atomic Defenses’ backpacks come in every print and theme, from purple unicorns to blue and green dinosaurs, from astronauts to puppies.
Steve Naremore, owner of the ballistic shield company TuffyPacks, told the New York Times that while this is a “morbid industry,” there is some legitimate interest. Within a week of the mass shooting at Robb Elementary School in Uvalde, the company sold tens of thousands of its bulletproof products.
Honorable Mentions
It’s hard to narrow to just four, but we don’t want to try our luck by over-pitching. So here’s some quick spit-balling for some changes we’d like to see in the 2029 Legislative Session for Texas schools.Why stop at the Ten Commandments on school walls when we could place a tattoo station in each school in case any fifth graders want the Mosaic law permanently on their backs? Keeping school lunches nutritionally beneficial has been a challenge, but with the GOP taking over the American health movement, we’d like to see all school cafeterias convert to dye and synthetic-free carnivore diets, the way Jesus would have wanted it. Finally, we propose replacing all playgrounds with shakeweights.
