Is this some kind of hoax?
Buzz loves it when The Dallas Morning News gets all fuss and feathers over something.

And, hot damn! the editorial board--or whoever writes those unsigned opinions representing the codger's voice of the paper--had her/his/its knickers in a bunch about the Cowboys-topless dancer hullabaloo. You remember, Nina Shahravan, the diabolical topless dancer whom we're all now supposed to stone because she filed a false report that tarnished the pristine reputations of sex-toy twins Erik "Baby Oil" Williams and Michael "Nose Nike" Irvin.

"This incident sullied everyone," the News editorial pompously explains. "Now the critique begins."

The editorial, sliding into a Calvin Coolidge voice, explained yet again how Nina, the cops, and the media screwed up royally. (Not hard to do in a complex situation that called for a delicate balancing of the rights of the accused against those of a possible rape victim--while still allowing the cops to carry out their investigation without trampling on the First Amendment.)

Still, the editorial grabbed us with this promise: "There are lessons to be learned from the Shahravan-Cowboys case that may well prevent similar misunderstandings."

Buzz was temporarily struck blind, realizing it might actually be about to read a News editorial that says something. When our eyes refocused, we eagerly read the last sentence: "Everyone involved has a stake in doing better."

That's it?! That's the lesson? Go ye and do a little better next time? For 20 bucks, Nina could have told us that--and danced on our table to boot.

Last week, Buzz excitedly thought it had stumbled onto a circa 1972 Sears & Roebuck catalog.

Despite the vintage graphics on the cover, dominated by an insanely grinning female shopper, it was only D's brand-new Downtown Dallas publication. This is the publishing miracle for which several cutthroat downtown developer-types--including Harlan Crow, Ray Hunt, Ross Perot Jr., and Roger Staubach--sent out letters to arm-twist advertisers.

Inside, publisher Wick Allison (also grinning insanely) explains "Some men walk through a forest and never see firewood. Some people drive through downtown Dallas and never see the money to be made." Sweet Jesus! Is Wick advocating arson as a way to salvage the economy of downtown?

From the quality of his very special Downtown Dallas issue, Wick had better start looking into some nefarious way--other than publishing--to make some money.

At first, because of the bewildering graphic design, we had difficulty distinguishing the editorial content from the advertising. But as we studied the articles more closely, we had difficulty distinguishing the editorial content from the advertising. Besides propagandizing for a new sports arena and anything else that might grease a potential advertiser--D gives Norm Green, best known for once owning the Dallas Stars and for paying a world-record sexual harassment settlement to a former Minneapolis employee, a Q & A soap box to expound on downtown's golden future.

But what we liked best was the last page, where Wick made everyone on D's staff pledge allegiance to downtown. It obviously wasn't easy. Says one staffer: "I feel like a grown-up when I say I work downtown." Yeah, man.

But we have to admit we're in total agreement with staffer Gary Stewart's heartfelt comment: "For a big city, it really doesn't smell that bad." Hey Wick, looks like somebody's due for an attitude adjustment.

Davy Jones' Locker
Buzz admits a sense of wonder at the ruminations promoters must go through in naming their tourist traps. Wet 'n Wild, the water park in Arlington, for instance. We always thought the name was a small stroke of creative genius--poetry almost. It summed up the sizzle of the hot-weather attraction with haiku-like brevity and a nice touch of alliteration. Meanwhile, the name's subtle sexual subtext attached itself like a barnacle to the Bible-belt brain.

Now, we learn that Six Flags, which owns the water park along with the amusement colossus across the road, is inexplicably renaming Wet 'n Wild Hurricane Harbor in a misguided gambit to increase attendance. Hurricane Harbor?

Sheesh, guys, why not just name it Devil's Triangle or the Drowning Pool? How about Undertow Inlet to really get folks in the mood for a splash?

Hey kids! Grab your Speedos--we're going to do some cannonballs at Watery Grave!

--Glen Warchol

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Glen Warchol