An appropriate shelter from Thursday afternoon's coming calamity.EXPAND
An appropriate shelter from Thursday afternoon's coming calamity.

Don't Panic About This Afternoon's Cold Front — Unless You Want to Survive

Any minute now, Dallas will finally get its first significant frozen precipitation this winter. While "accumulation of snow [is] not guaranteed for everyone," according to Dallas weather god and WFAA meteorologist Pete Delkus, Dallas is under a winter weather advisory beginning at 2 p.m, despite temperatures having been near 60 when everyone took their dogs out this morning. The front, Dallas' TV weather people want you to know, is coming, and it's real.

Clearly, there are dangerous forces at play here. Any god that would allow us to start the day heading to work in shirtsleeves before punishing those of us with enough hubris to leave our coats at home with a freezing 18 foot walk to our parking spaces is filled with wrath.

Wrath enough that he's already making the ground beneath our feet weep with fear in anticipation of the 30-40 mph wind gusts that are expected to be inflicted on us later this afternoon. 

This is real, and it could be the end, so there's only one thing left to do before heading out for your afternoon commute with Dallas' seasoned winter drivers. Panic.

Sacrifice your favorite desk ornament to Delkus. Buy the white bread, all of it, from the convenience store closest to your office. Call your prepper cousin to see if he has room in his shelter and question everything you've ever learned about global warming. Sure, it could just be Dallas' third mildly unpleasant day this winter, but maybe that's just what they want you to think.

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