Tomorrow is the last day to register to vote in the Nov. 6 election, so here’s a quick primer on what you need to know.
First: Seriously, what's wrong with you? Too busy? Scored some really good weed and been glued to the couch? Oh sure, we understand. It's not like THE FUTURE OF OUR FREE NATION HINGES ON PEOPLE TAKING RESPONSIBILITY TO EXERCISE THEIR SACRED RIGHT OF FRANCHISE. GEEZ, SOME PEOPLE.
In order to vote in the Texas midterms, you must complete a voter registration application, which you can either fill out and download online, pick up from Dallas’ election office or find in post offices, many public libraries or at high schools. Mailed-in applications postmarked Oct. 9 or earlier will work, or you can register in person at 2377 N. Stemmons Freeway, Suite 820, Dallas, 75207. The elections office is extending its hours from 7 a.m. until 7 p.m. Tuesday for in-person registering. (They also had special office hours over the weekend, BUT, NO, YOU HAD PLANS THIS WEEKEND, DIDN'T YOU, MR./MS. PRECIOUS? PROBABLY INVOLVING BEER. UNDERPAID, OVERWORKED CIVIL SERVANTS GAVE UP THEIR WEEKEND SO YOU COULD REGISTER, BUT NO, YOU HAD TO WAIT TO THE LAST MINUTE, YOU LAZY BASTARD.)
Oh, wow. Really sorry there. It's just that we've been following politics pretty closely for a long while, so we get a little frustrated at those who don't even bother to register. Where were we?
It is illegal to register to vote online in Texas so don’t try it. Just print out the form and either mail it or drop it off in person to one of the dedicated election workers who probably had to miss their kids' birthday or something to accommodate you. Thank them.
If you can’t remember the last meal you ate, let alone if you’re registered to vote, you can always check your voter status on the Texas Secretary of State’s website: votetexas.gov.
Once you get yourself registered, here's what you need to know when it comes time to vote, WHICH YOU HAD BETTER DO UNLESS YOU WANT TO SEE THE COUNTRY GO TO HELL IN A HAND-BASKET. SOLDIERS SERVING IN COMBAT ZONES OVERSEAS VOTE, SO LET'S HEAR NO LAME-O EXCUSES FROM YOU.
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Texas voter ID laws have changed in recent years, and you will need to bring some type of photo identification with you to your polling place. Here are the types of IDs you can bring: a driver’s license, U.S. passport, military ID card with a photo, U.S. citizenship certificate with a photo, a personal identification card from the Texas Department of Public Safety and, you guessed it, a license to carry a concealed handgun.
A stricter version of the law went into effect in 2013 but was changed last year when the Legislature passed a law that allowed voters to sign a "Reasonable Impediment Declaration" stating the reason they could not obtain an appropriate ID. Registered voters without the right kind of ID will still need to bring a utility bill, copy of a paycheck, bank statement or something similar with an address. (Votetexas.gov has a full list online.) Reasonable impediments to getting a photo ID "include lack of transportation, disability or illness, lack of birth certificate or other documents needed to obtain acceptable photo ID, work schedule, family responsibilities, lost or stolen ID, or acceptable form of photo ID applied for but not received," according to the law. Lying on the declaration is a crime, so don't.
According to the Dallas County Elections’ website, over 1.3 million people in Dallas have already registered to vote. Because they love America, unlike some people.
Early voting starts on Oct. 22.