God Bless Cathie Adams for Giving Us Hope and Entertainment in August

Every week, managing editor Patrick Williams disappears into his office and reemerges a cranky, nicotine-addicted, third-person-referring superhero we like to call Buzz.

At some point, Buzz supposes, Cathie Adams, the former Texas Republican Party chair, fearless "Moozlum" hunter and popular voice of the state GOP's batshit wing, will fade to the obscurity in which she belongs. Someday she'll become the political equivalent of the sad lady on a city bus, hair in curlers, wearing a snap coat and saggy tube socks and nattering away to no one about the gummint and all them dang Moozlums.

Someday, but not today and certainly not in August. It's a well-known fact -- if you're nuts, weird, paranoid, conspiracy-minded or just generally a hardcore social conservative Republican -- that the period between the end of July, after all the summer blockbusters are out, and the start of preseason football is like media Christmas. Go ahead and say something strange. We'll listen because, frankly, we're hot, bored and wishing we were smart enough to have booked a vacation.

That's Buzz's excuse, anyway, for mentioning the latest bit of Adams' cuckoo-talk. The website Right Wing Watch broke the news about Adams' interview with a Christian radio host, in which she noted that immigration reform will lead us down the slippery slope to the end of the world. That, of course, is because it will require visa holders to provide biometric data for tracking purposes, which isn't really true, but never mind that, because August.

"Of course, we know in biblical prophecy that that is the End Times," Adams said. "That is going to be the brand either on our foreheads or on the back of our hands. That is demonic through and through. That is End Times prophecy. There is no question about that."

No question at all. In fact, doesn't it say exactly that somewhere in the book of Revelation? "And I looked, and beheld a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Senator Chuck Schumer, and shitloads of Mexicans followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to moveth leaves with blowers, and buseth tables with trays, and do thoseth crapulent jobs that white people desireth not ... er ... eth."

Adams, who previously made it clear she suspects all men with beards of harboring secret Muslim sympathies, also suggested that the immigration reform bill passed by the Senate would open up the immigration floodgates to a horde of Muslims, Buddhists and Hindus, every mother's son of them hiding a copy of sharia law in his beard, ready to inflict it on America.

Which means, basically, that Adams' grasp of comparative religion ranks up there with Buzz's understanding of eschatology, but let's not let a little thing like total and complete ignorance stand in the way of the truly hopeful part of Adams' revelation: If we play our cards right, the world could very well end before we have to face another fucking August in Texas. Praise Jesus.

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