Weather

ICE FORCE LEVEL TWO: May The Lord Have Mercy On Us All

Welcome to our second ever live weather blog, where the news is made up and the weather doesn't really matter. Here are the facts -- it's cold. How cold, you ask? Well, imaginary internet person, it's really very cold. Cold enough that, were Jack Nicholson to head outside with an axe right now and encounter a complex maze, he would be unlikely to survive long enough to murder anyone.

Do we have facts for you, figures, maybe? No. We do not. We are not competent meteorologists, or even journalists. What we do have for you, though, is rampant speculation, self-pity, some pictures of snow, and if you're lucky, there will be a dog or two frolicking in a winter wonderland. So stay tuned.

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[jump]

10:00

The city is expected to luckily fall in between two intimidatingly drawn clouds of bad stuff today.

As you can see, a purple thing will move forward, while a white thing has already moved forward. This weather lark is easy.

Meanwhile, Jackson loves the snow --

And Cane Rosso has made a tribute to yesterday's forecast. Never forget.

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Friday Feb 7, 09:00

After the snow penis had its way with us, now The Shoddily Drawn Blue Pickle of Reckoning is on its way.

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17:45

Updates from Delkus on Snow Penis Penetration Levels -

As you can see, we've all had better.

Unfortunately, this man was the first victim of the power outages, ironically near the end of a tweet about how he was being smug about power outages.

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17:30

Word reaches us from ERCOT that you might not want to use so much electricity tonight, in case you spoil electricity for everyone else. They ask you to turn your thermostat down to a maximum 68 degrees.

Now, I'm not going to do that because I have the vital job of keeping you updated on ICE FORCE LEVEL TWO, but you should, because they're threatening rolling blackouts of 15-45 minutes each, across neighborhoods, if their conditions are not met. The electricity terrorists.

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15:30

The sheer awfulness of this snowman perfectly captures the horror and dangers of #ICEFORCELEVELTWO.

He looks as if he's seen the terror that awaits Dallas, because apparently temperatures won't be back above freezing until tomorrow afternoon. Have a nice commute.

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15:10

If you're thinking about driving home from work, you might want to start out about, ooh, three hours ago.

Meanwhile, a dog fight is going on --

and a second wave of wintry "dusting" has been reported, soon to BURY Dallas. We'll keep you posted.

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14:30

Delkus says it's over.

BUT WHAT DAMAGE HAS REALLY BEEN DONE, PETE?!

Will Cane Rosso ever recover? I suspect not.

Dickey's Barbecue wasn't worth the 99ft anyway, mate.

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13:35

Due to the current weather conditions, the City of Dallas Department of Street Services has elevated its sanding operations to Ice Force Level 2 as of 12:30pm.

This could be the end. The end, everyone. A second snow penis is undoubtedly on the way, my cat thinks he can see a bird out of the window, and my mouse wheel still won't work.

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Gavin Cleaver
Contact: Gavin Cleaver