It's April Fool's Day in Dallas, And All the Jokes Are Terrible

It's April Fools Day, which means you are currently being bombarded with generally unfunny and unoriginal pranks and fake news stories. It's a day when it's wise to treat everything with a high degree of skepticism, from the Pokemon that have taken over Google Maps to the former co-worker's claim the he and his wife are having yet another kid.

Below is a running tally of the local(ish) pranks being inflicted upon the public. Just remember. It'll all be over tomorrow.

Ted Cruz Has a Winston Churchill Tattoo:

Inspired by the recent poster featuring a shirtless (and surprisingly lean) U.S. Senator Ted Cruz covered in prison tattoos, Texas' junior senator decided to get inked. On Fox & Friends this morning, he rolled up his sleeve to reveal a scowling, cigar-chomping Winston Churchill on his right bicep. Cruz was coy about its permanence, but this particular version of the British Bulldog should come off with some soap and warm water.

Tim Rogers Hates Mexicans:

Deep down, in his heart of hearts, D editor emeritus Tim Rogers may very well be a racist asshole. We simply don't know. But that horribly offensive "Leading Off" post on Frontburner, which had something to do with Hispanics and sexual intercourse and was so vile that Rogers issued an uncharacteristic apology shortly before being canned? Never happened, just like there was never any A (for Arlington) Magazine. Yes, Tim Rogers is still employed.

Rick Perry Enrolling in Medicaid: Burnt Orange Report has the scoop.

This morning on FOX News, Governor Rick Perry announced his intention to enroll in Medicaid once his term as governor ends. Citing recent financial difficulties, Perry sees Medicaid as his best option once he no longer has a salary, savings or health care.

"If I become President I think I'll be okay financially," Perry said. "But if that doesn't work out, I don't really have a back-up plan. And to be honest I've been mowing through my governor's salary and my savings at a pretty fast clip - I mean, my new glasses weren't cheap."

False. Rick Perry has a killer pension. Besides, he'll be two months shy of his 65th birthday when he leaves office, meaning he'll almost be eligible for Medicare.

Mike Rawlings Botched Home Rule: This Dallas Morning News story and the press conference announcement we got yesterday about Mayor Mike Rawlings apologizing for the rollout of the Dallas ISD home-rule push seem legit, but this quote gives us second thoughts:

"The strategic mistake I made was believing in the power of the blank page," Rawlings said. "I thought it was fabulous that we as a community could write anything we wanted on this blank page... I was wrong. Blank pages don't work in realpolitik."

Matthew McConaughey Is Not Running For Ag Commissioner: C'mon America. Did you really need a "McConaughey run likely April Fools' joke" headline to figure out that Texas Monthly's April 1 scoop that Oscar-winning actor Matthew McConaughey is considering a write-in candidacy for Texas Agriculture Commissioner? The Washington Times did, wising up after a couple of hours and deleting its story.

That said, we really wish McConaughey actually said this: "When I saw that Kinky [Friedman], who's basically in the same world that I am, wants to legalize pot farming, that's when I told my amigo Woody, 'I could do this job.'"

Send your story tips to the author, Eric Nicholson.

KEEP THE DALLAS OBSERVER FREE... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Eric Nicholson
Contact: Eric Nicholson