Jade Helm 15: The First Month

Congrats to everyone reading this outside of a FEMA camp based in an abandoned Wal-Mart for making it through the first month of Jade Helm 15 unscathed. For those of you who've been interned, and yet still inexplicably have web access, our prayers are with you. Thanks to the brave actions of Texas Governor Greg Abbott and the members of the Texas Guard he deployed to watch the not-at-all routine military takeover exercises enveloping the rest of the American South and Southwest, our fine state has remained largely unscathed.

Dallas pastor Rick Wiles, the guy who built the totally credible news website TruNews, warns that Jade Helm 15 is just a dress rehearsal for Jade Helm 16, the operation during which Texas will be wiped off the map. Speaking with disgraced televangelist Jim Bakker last week, Wiles — who's previously claimed that Miley Cyrus has sex with demons — suggested that Texas being declared as "hostile" for the duration of Jade Helm 15 stemmed from the United States' desire to take back Texas gold deposits. During the 2015 legislative session, Texas passed a bill authored by Southlake state Representative Giovanni Capriglione that created the Texas Bullion Depository, allowing for the state to hold its own gold reserves. Capriglione discussed the bullion depository on Wiles' radio show in July. Wiles believes that the feds want their gold back and are willing to use nuclear or electromagnetic pulse weapons to do so. "We're getting close to a civil war," Wiles told Bakker.

Luckily for us, many of the brave Texans who we told you about as Jade Helm commenced have continued to fight for us throughout the last month. Kris Martin, the hearty American who discovered the gun-stealing ninjas in shipping containers at the San Angelo Sam's Club, released an additional video explaining both Jade Helm 15's Chinese origins and real purpose — taking Christ out of Christmas. Martin has not escaped the first month of jade Helm unscathed. In early August, he discovered that his 2-year-old son had begun wearing "fashion earrings" due to Jade Helm and legal same-sex marriage. In North Carolina, the FBI stopped a group of guys so worried that they were amassing enough weapons to arm a small militia to protect themselves from the Jade Helm menace, arresting them on August 1.

If any of this sounds crazy to you, just remember, both Governor Abbott and our freshman United States Senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz have said they understand why people are worried about the U.S. Army Special Operations Command's highly publicized exercises being either an actual takeover of the state or a preparation for one.

Jade Helm 15 is set to run through either September 15 or until long after our children's children are dead.
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Stephen Young has written about Dallas news for the Observer since 2014. He's a Dallas native and a graduate of the University of North Texas.
Contact: Stephen Young