Movoto, for those of you who don't get their unsolicited press releases in your inbox, is an online real estate brokerage that specializes, best we can tell, in mass producing generic listicles.
As a general rule, it's best to ignore these things and hope they go away, but we had to make an exception for the site's "21 Things You Need To Know About Irving Before You Move There" opus, if only because it was clearly written by someone who spent somewhere between 12 and 18 minutes Googling "Las Colinas."
We won't tackle all 21 items, though all are dumb in their own unique way, but allow us to correct some of Movoto's more pernicious misconceptions about Irving.
1. Irving Is Full Of Big Shots
The Irving area is home to quite the handful of Fortune 500 companies: Exxon Mobile, Nokia America, and the American headquarters of BlackBerry are just a few. Although this business side culminates in the high-rise center of Las Colinas, the fast-paced, big-city feel influences all the areas of Irving around it.
Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson lives outside Denton. Most Nokia and Blackberry executives probably do as well, though they might be hard to find given those two struggling companies' shrinking Irving workforce.
The "fast-paced, big-city feel" must be what explains all of Irving's fabled urban sophisticates. See also: The Morning News Says the Best Neighborhood for "Urban Sophisticates" is Valley Ranch
3. Everyone in Irving Would Rather Paddle to Work
Thanks to the good people at places like SUP NTX (Stand Up Paddle, North Texas), and the copious amount of lakes and rivers snaking in and around the city, this niche hobby is quickly growing into a citywide obsession. Who needs four wheels when you have one paddle?
To answer the last question, basically everyone. According to the U.S. Census, 91.5 percent of Irving residents drive to work. Fewer than 2 percent walk or bike. Paddlers make up such a minuscule percentage of commuters that it doesn't even register.
Also, can you cite any evidence -- any at all -- that paddling is "quickly growing into a citywide obsession" or that there is a "copious amount of lakes and rivers snaking in and around the city"?
6. Irving Is Into Really Big Metaphors
The world famous Mustangs of Las Colinas sculpture, located in the center of Las Colinas in Irving -- besides being the largest equestrian sculpture in the world -- represents the very distinct Texan way of life.
OK, yeah it's also just a friggin' huge horse sculpture, if you're not into epic metaphors like the people of Irving.
You've probably never thought of those stampeding horses in Las Colinas as a metaphor for something bigger. That's because you're smart.
8. And That Means You Have An In To The Best Farmer's Market In The Country
It may not be in Irving, but it sure is a perk to living there: the Dallas Farmer's Market is any fresh produce fanatic's dream. Huge selections of various fruit, vegetables, meat, floral arrangements, and specialty foods, all separated into four huge sheds. Your grocery run can now officially double as your workout time.
All life has been strangled out of the Dallas Farmer's Market by years of misguided policy. The only "huge selections" of anything come from the produce dealers, who truck their factory farmed fruits and vegetables from not Texas. Also, why use the farmer's market trip as a workout when (until recently at least) you could drive down the middle of the sheds.
11. You Might Spot Some Golf Superstars...
Specifically the HP Byron Nelson Championship, held each May at the Four Seasons Resort in Las Colinas. Silently cheering on the golfers may get you within close distance of past winners like Tiger Woods, Adam Scott, and Jason Dufner.
Tiger Woods hasn't played the Byron Nelson in years. To the extent that any other "golf superstars" can be said to exist, they tend to steer well clear of the tourney. Also, Dallas just snatched it away.
12. ... But The Real Showdown Is Between The Teenagers
Irving loves its high school sports, from football to baseball to hockey. Attend a game and be prepared to get your ears blown off by fervent fans screaming bloody murder. It's pretty awesome.
Has the author ever really attended a high school sporting event in Irving, or did he just watch Friday Night Lights?
20. A Drumming Legend Got Schooled Right Here
The decades old group ZZ Top are still going strong today, with concerts, new albums, and guest appearances in film and TV. Their drummer, Frank Beard (the one without a beard), grew up in nearby Frankston and attended high school at Irving High.
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Why anyone, Irving-bound or no, would want this occupying space in their brain is a mystery. Also, citing ZZ Top as evidence of anything counts as an automatic disqualification of any argument ever.
The prosecution rests.
(h/t Avi Selk)
Send your story tips to the author, Eric Nicholson.