Drop everything, including whatever inferior trousers you're wearing right now. Drop them and then burn them, because the Glenn Beck-made, Glenn Beck-approved jeans you've been waiting for have finally arrived.
When Beck picked up and moved to North Texas last year we assumed it was for a quiet life doing what all former conservative stalwarts do: painting dogs. But Beck's clothing line, 1791, has apparently existed since last year. And just today he announced a new line of jeans, "made entirely in America," which the team has been working on for nearly a year. And Glenn Beck has been intimately involved in every detail of your new pants, "from the stitching, to the buttons, and to the quality of the rivets."
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Apparently Beck was dismayed to learn last year that jeans, "an iconic American product," were no longer being made in America. (Nobody tell Glenn Beck about every other product Americans use also not being made in America. We'll never hear the end of it.)
If you visit 1791's website, you can see a delightfully bizarre promotional video for said pants, featuring a stubbly chap in a Canadian tuxedo building a rocket ship on what appears to be a frozen tundra.
"These were the first American blue jeans," Beck intones in an approximation of a rugged drawl. "The jeans that built America. And that were built in America. Built at a time when things were timeless. A time when we knew things would last. A time when people worked for their dreams, and their dreams worked for them." The last frame shows the be-jeaned patriot fleeing from his rocket ship creation at high speed.
You're sold, we know. Beck's pants can be yours for just 129.99. Provided you're a man. And not the sort of man who wears skinny jeans, although perhaps that should go without saying. Don't worry, ladies: Glenn Beck's still got all the "Mom" sweatshirts we need.