Audio By Carbonatix
Listen. This is Texas. The roads in this state should not look like the time we accidentally left the freezer open all weekend, and returned only to close it and look away, hoping for the best. The best is not what happened, though — it was instead the very worst — because closing the freezer created a frozen block of crumbly fish sticks that took days to chip away.
And it seems now the city will have to be chipped away at too, because the roads do look a lot like that freezer mess. The onslaught of #SLEETSTORM2015 layered the city with about a zillion inches (or one — no one knows for sure) of slush.
The chaos began last night, well before the sleet ever began to fall. Judging by this one picture of Trader Joe’s, the entire city has been wiped clean of any salad, because ice is cold and scary, and lettuce is apparently not.
They even took the kale, you guys. The kale.
Once the ice flurries began to rain down, the city’s rogue, school-less children, whose districts so cruelly canceled school in anticipation of #SLEETSHOW2015, began exhibiting symptoms directly related to this weather disaster, including useless attempts to mow the ice:
Stranger still were the kids who began to form the ice into odd circular lumps and stack them on top of each other.
This ice creation — “Snowman Bobby” — survived multiple tweets with no mouth or nose, which everyone knows would kill a real snowman. An iceman, however, needeth not oxygen nor mouth to live.
@Dallas_Observer Best sleet man ever. pic.twitter.com/xWhqA5lYOO— Jason Villalba (@JasonVillalba) February 23, 2015
Even this thing above — neither snowman nor iceman — somehow erupted out of the #SLEETSHOW2015. (We’re pretty sure a bored adult built it, and is what we imagine Olaf would look like should he actually find his way to summer, but that’s neither here nor there.) Moving on.
It’s not just the children who are exhibiting signs of the toll #SLEETSHOW2015 is taking, though. The birds, dogs, and decorative fountains of Dallas are all exhibiting signs of weather-related fatigue, too.
This little guy even left the house with no pants:
advertisement@Dallas_Observer #SLEETSHOW2015 pic.twitter.com/lOBOfayY7F— lucas (@lcsbckls) February 23, 2015
And yet still remembered to put on a hoodie. Coincidence? We think not. The ice storm taketh souls and pants, man.
But while the consequences of Dallas’ WORST ICE STORM EVER are certainly flabbergasting within the city limits, it seems that the DFW ‘burbs have not escaped unscathed by the icy harrows.
We…don’t really see anything. But that’s okay, Stephanie! Good try! We’re sure it’s because your door camera lens was iced over…or something.
We suggested making the treacherous yard more hospitable with a trampoline for frozen ice jumping, but our efforts were rebuffed by SachseDad, who has obviously never been privy to ice trampolining.
With no kale, no lettuce, and no ice trampolines, we started to lose hope that Dallas would make it thorough the next 24 hours, which is supposed to bring even more terrifying sleet to the area.
Luckily, RunLove stepped in to quell our fears. It seems, should Southwest Airlines pull through, all may not be lost.
Let’s hope she’s right. And let’s double-hope they’re air-dropping more salad fixings. For the children.
