Hang on to your hats, everybody, because I'm about to give you a super-duper exciting glimpse into the inner workings of the Dallas Observer. We get a lot of email from our readers. Some of it comes directly to our various email addresses, but a lot of it goes to a general account. (I have no idea why. When I said "inner workings," I meant "vague overview").
Our lovely editorial assistant, Catherine Downes, has the joyous task of reading all that mail and figuring out who it's meant to go to. Sometimes it's pretty clear: "Dear, Eric," "To the editor," "all you jackasses better listen here and listen good," etc.
But occasionally we get an email whose intended recipient we just can't figure out. Since it worked so well for Reddit, we're going to crowd source our investigation: Which writer was the following irate email intended for?
First, the email:
I wish you could write without such adolescent, snarky sarcasm. I admit, i disagree with most of positions, but I give you credit for picking interesting topics. Try to get laid soon. You can intelligently write about a topic without being a superior, angry bitch, I promise. Calm down with the cheap shots at everbody [sic]. You are not better than any of us. You are not the illuminati like you parents convinced you. Just write the facts. No more cheap shots.
Now, I immediately assumed this was about me and looked around for someone to high-five. But there are a lot of people who write regularly for this paper, a whole team of snarky, superior, adolescent bitches. And everybody could stand to get laid a little more, right? So let's lay down some odds here, and then let's just take a poll. You tell us. We hear you.
Luke Darby, editorial fellow (Odds: 25:1) Case For: Louie Gohmert really hates it when you imply that he's an idiotic, paranoid insane person. Case Against: Probably the least snarky person in America. What He'll Do If It's Him:
Catherine Downes, editorial assistant (25:1) Case For: She was the person to get that letter, technically. Case Against: Letters to Catherine tend to be compliments, marriage proposals, and emails from confused writers needing to know where the staples are for the fifteenth time. What She'll Do If It's Her: Instagram a sepia photo of her dog Lola taking an artful poo on a printout of the email.
Scott Reitz, food critic (15:1) Case For: Uses the word "charcuterie" like we all know what that means. Case Against: Email never once used the words "hipster dreamboat." What He'll Do If It's Him: Find some weird taqueria hidden inside a tax office, pump his fist in triumph, further rumple his hair.
Jamie Laughlin, culture editor (10:1) Case For: Maybe the letter was from Death himself, who does not appreciate being mocked? Case Against: She writes smart, constructive things about art and culture. People don't usually send her angry letters. More like tickets to things and, once, an enormous basket of beer. What She'll Do If It's Her: Laugh charmingly, quickly write 17,000 words, organize a few calendar listings, all while driving to attend an art opening in Waxahachie.
Brantley Hargrove, staff writer (7:1) Case For: Wears loafers with no socks. Also, someone once made a whole blog about him. Case Against: Perfect hair has a self-contained force-field against insults. Also, we suspect he gets laid plenty. What He'll Do If It's Him: Write six stirring paragraphs about the weather, take a pull of whiskey out of a battered leather flask, stare broodingly into some vast unforgiving desert landscape.
Joe Tone, editor (5:1) Case For: God-given ability to piss people off. Once managed to get the spokesperson for a prayer rally to call him names. Case Against: Wait, does he still know how to write? What He'll Do If It's Him: Call a very serious staff meeting, spend most of staff meeting cracking jokes, adjourn to the Windmill.
Patrick Williams, managing editor (2:1) Case For: Those Buzz columns are pretty harsh. Recently made an enemy of a lady who's an enemy of piss. Case Against: Snarky? Sure. Bitchy? Not so much. What He'll Do If It's Him: Mumble something almost inaudible that turns out to be the single funniest thing anyone's ever said, disappear into his office to continue correcting our horrid grammar.
Jim Schutze, columnist (2:1) Case For: Something about Schutze sure seems to be upset people. Case Against: A lot of Jim's hate mail comes hand-delivered and scrawled on the back of an Arby's bag. What He'll Do If It's Him: He has a shotgun and he's worn a bathrobe to work every day for 16 years. We're not telling him about this.
Alice Laussade, humor columnist (even) Case For: Cheap Bastard turned Alice Columnist recently pissed off lady mosquitoes and people who thought she was sincerely attacking a nine-year-old. Case Against: Really hard to get mad at someone who writes the words, "How long do I leave the Bic For Her inside my woman vagina?" What She'll Do if It's Her: Pop out a baby while screaming "FUCKSHITUNICORNFARTS" and winning a James Beard Award.
Eric Nicholson, Unfair Park blogger (Odds: 1:2) Case for: Volume -- he does more posts than anyone, and approximately all of them piss someone off. Case against: His sarcasm's not that snarky. It's more I've-got-two-kids-under-three-and-haven't-slept-since-2010 angry. What He'll Do if It's Him: Go on a really angry jog around the block.
Anna Merlan, staff writer (1:3) Case For: Pretty much every word contained in this email. Case Against: Topics aren't that interesting. What She'll Do If It's Her: Continue high-fiving everybody indiscriminately.
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OK, that has to be basically every one of us who's ever pissed anyone off, right? We'll exclude our copy editor Jesse Hughey, who writes about beer and has a very well-groomed beard, both things that everyone appreciates, and Tracie Louck, our art director, because she doesn't write stuff or even pick fights on Twitter. And it's probably not our web editor Nick Rallo, although he does manage to start the occasional pitched argument about Doritos, or music editor Kiernan Meltsky, who simply hasn't been here long enough. Give him time, people.
Now, your votes: