It started out as an ordinary transaction: A man walks into the Lyndon B. Johnson Freeway outpost of Sara's Secret just before 9 p.m. Wednesday and asks to see their selection of fetish swings. The employee goes and retrieves an available model and shows it to the customer, who seems impressed. He'll take it, he says, so long as they take plastic. Upon learning that they do, he says he'll just jog out to the car to fetch his credit card.
This is the point at which anyone with more than an hour's worth of retail experience would say, "Why certainly, sir. I'd be happy to hold your kinky sex toy behind the counter until you return." But we'll get to that in a minute. First, we'll user our powers of deduction to identify the item the customer was so keen on buying.
What we know from a police report filed Wednesday night is that it is a "FETISH SWING" that retails at $219. But what if "fetish," rather than serving as an adjective, is actually a proper noun? It just so happens that there's a company in California that makes a Fetish Fantasy Series line of swings. The Fetish Fantasy Door Swing ("[T]ransform any ordinary door...into a bondage sex swing." Holds up to 300 pounds.) is billed as "The Original," but it sells for less than $50 on Sara's Secret's website.
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That leaves only the more elaborate Fetish Fantasy Couple's Swing ("comes in 3 sexy colors to coordinate with your home's decor: black, purple and pink"), which goes for $75.44 on Amazon but which has a list price of about $220. (Note to self: In the future do all fetish-swing shopping online.) So, it seems safe to assume that this was the model in question.
Now, back to Sara's Secret. The customer, swing in hand, walked out the front door to a Nissan sedan where a woman was waiting in the driver's seat. But instead of getting his credit card and returning to complete the purchase, he hopped in the passenger's seat and prepared to drive off.
Before the couple could make it out of the parking lot, however, karma had its way. As the car began rolling, the man fell to the ground, where his leg was run over by the getaway vehicle. The police report doesn't detail how he managed to do this, just that he was able to pull himself rather quickly into the car, which made an escape on the eastbound LBJ service road.
So, was the heist a success? The couple did come away with their fetish swing, which they no doubt consider a victory. But they also probably had to postpone whatever they had planned for Wednesday night until the man's leg was properly healed. Then again, wouldn't a swing actually make certain things easier for someone with a cast? So many questions.