In the way of actual action, very little interesting happened at the 2016 Texas Republican Convention, held at the now Exxxotica-free Key Bailey Hutchinson Convention Center. The state's activist GOPers managed to restrain themselves from supporting secession from the United States — yes, it was actually discussed as a potential platform plank — and affirmed Tom Mechler's position as the state chair, despite challenger Jared Woodfill supporters' claim that Mechler promoted a "disgusting homosexual agenda" by allowing the convention to take place in "homosexual-friendly" Dallas. There was no big backlash against presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump and Dan Patrick railed against trans people being given equal access to restrooms.
In a lot of ways, the convention was what one would expect, but that doesn't mean there wasn't some weird, wild stuff echoing through the convention hall. Here are 10 of the best lines that we collected so you didn't have to.
10. "For those that are discouraged, let me simply say this: truth will prevail. Texas will lead the way." — Ted Cruz, after serial liar Donald Trump defeated Cruz and each of the other 15 candidates in the GOP field to win the 2016 GOP nomination.
9. "Hey lady, the people of Texas do not want or need you messing around with our land, our water, our schools, our children, our businesses, our bank accounts and most especially, our bathrooms. There is one thing that Texas would like for you to do: Stay out of our state and leave us the heck alone." — Texas Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller, currently under criminal investigation for misusing state funds, goes after Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton.
surely I'm not the first to notice Sid Miller's resemblance to a beloved Simpsons bit character pic.twitter.com/wMgclx2SHq— Dolph (@carb_uncle) April 18, 2016
8. "I heard a report that Obama is now on a diet. You might ask why I would know something as personal as Obama's diet. I know that Obama is on a strict diet because Putin is eating his lunch." — Ken Paxton, currently under felony indictment, tells a joke about President Obama.
7. "Yeah, me and every other piece of ass." — As reported by the Houston Chronicle's Brian Rosenthal, that's what a Texas GOP delegate said when a Trump staffer said "Trump loves you" and tried to give her a Trump sticker.
6. "I am going to vote for our nominee, not because of the man he is today, but because of the president I hope all of us can help him become." — Texas Railroad Commissioner Ryan Sitton, who apparently believes the long national nightmare of a Trump presidency would follow the plot of a lukewarm romantic comedy.
5. "Don't just vote aye, vote hell aye — for your children and grandchildren." — A delegate supporting adding the secessionist plank to the party platform during debate over the measure on Friday.
4. "Use them to clean evidence off your hard drive or sanitize your hands." — Booth workers at the convention hawking "Hillary Wipes."
3. "[The federal government has buried] state's rights at the bottom of a landfill under the bodies of murdered babies." — Another pro-secessionist delegate during Friday's floor fight, according to the Texas Observer .
2. "If schools don't knuckle down to force girls showering with boys and force 8-year-old girls to have to deal with boys coming into their bathroom, he is taking money from the poorest of the poor. The president of the United States will be ending the free breakfast and free lunch program." — Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick, getting serious about the White House saying that trans kids should be able to use the bathroom in which they feel safe.
1. “We need to come to grips with reality.” — Texas Governor Greg Abbott, on why the state party needed to line up behind Donald Trump against Hillary Clinton. He could've been talking about any number of things.
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