In other words, the committee's members flipped Abbott a giant bird by green-lighting Lubbock GOP Sen. Charles Perry's SB 5. Abbott has said he prefers banning sales to anyone younger than 21, keeping shops away from schools, churches, parks and anyplace where children congregate and testing to ensure that products contain no more than 0.3% THC by weight or 3 milligrams "per serving." Proponents of the full ban say Texas lacks the resources and competence to regulate the marijuana business, unlike, say, alcohol. Apparently, arresting, charging, trying and sending marijuana users off to jail by the thousands doesn't count as "regulation" in Texas. Millions for law enforcement, pennies for competent regulation of relatively harmless pleasure. It's the Texas way.
As much as we at the Dallas Observer enjoy a good fight amongst Republicans (Sen. John Cornyn's upcoming primary battle with Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton is like a months-long Christmas), the fact that Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick and his fellow prohibitionists are doubling down raises some troubling questions. How many and how big will the lies about the dangers of cannabis get? Will someone eventually say — looking your way, Allen police Chief Steve Dye — it's called cannabis because it causes cannibalism? (Wouldn't bet against it.) If we have to look up our old dealer again, will he be mad at us for switching to legal gummies?
Most importantly, if Abbott prevails, what does that mean for those of us who freely admit that we like getting high on THC? Only because the Observer cares about your health and it's our job to ask the hard questions, we decided to put some of today's still-legal gummies to the test. We bought some bags from a local brand, Wyatt Purp, and a brand called "Munchies!" from Las Vegas. The latter are made from "real fruit," so you know, yay to good health.
Each gummy contains 10 mg of delta-9 (no semi-synthetics for us). They're roughly equal to three of the proposed 3 mg "servings." The great cannabis information site Leafly suggests that, for edibles, 3-5 mg is a low dose for "standard recreational use; consumers seeking relief from persistent symptoms not addressed by smaller doses; people looking for a good night’s sleep." Between 20 and 30 mg can cause "very strong euphoria; very likely to impair coordination and alter perception." That amount is for "consumers with significant THC tolerances," Leafly says.
Our testers were staff writer Alyssa Fields, Social Media Editor Jordan Maddox and Editor in Chief Patrick Williams. Here's what they reported:
ALYSSA: "Every Friday night, I have a post-workday THC-infused lemonade. My preferred brand has 5 mg of THC. I look forward to my weekly indulgence and the light buzz it gives, but the extent of my psychoactive consumption abruptly halts there. I have never smoked weed, never eaten an edible or consumed marijuana in any other available variant. My tolerance is, without further explanation needed, low."
JORDAN: "I am an infrequent, recreational THC consumer. I consume weed maybe five times a year, typically as a sleep aid. I tend to react poorly to THC as I lean to the 'highly paranoid' side of the spectrum, thinking that people are hiding on the other side of my windows at night and that I have already seen episodes of a show that I never have. It's either like that, or I have a lovely time sinking into my bed and watching a show made either for children or high people, or both. My tolerance is low, and my experience could swing to either extreme."
PATRICK: "Oh, I've smoked, well, not literally tons, but maybe scores of pounds over the years. Gave up smoking because wheezing and hacking up gobs of phlegm every morning got old. Now I buy the occasional bag of legal gummies, though not often because of munchies, obesity and type II diabetes."
ALYSSA: "On Saturday, around noon, I took one Wyatt Purp gummy. It was red, and I hated the flavor, which is a factor that keeps me from frequently consuming THC-infused products. The taste lingered the remainder of the afternoon, to my dissatisfaction."
JORDAN: "On Saturday, I kicked off my evening of floating with one gummy. I took a red, sugar-coated square of a 10 mg delta-9 gummy by Wyatt Purp. You could taste the weed in this one. After about 30 minutes, I felt nothing besides a sense of relaxation, and after the one-hour mark, I could feel it just a bit — that heaviness that settles on your bones. It was light, and I felt nothing else besides a slight weightiness to my eyes."
PATRICK: "I had three. They did have that odd grassy taste that comes with edibles, but it went away quickly. I hit the couch and waited the hour or two it takes for edibles to peak."
ALYSSA: "Within an hour of consumption, I had surpassed the point I usually reach with my weekly lemonade. I felt a slight sense of anxiety, and I was a little hungry, but I felt generally euphoric. With not much better to do, I retired to my couch to watch reality television that made me giggle a little harder than I normally would. My throat was a little dry, I was a little snacky, and I was feeling exceptionally appreciative of the world around me."
JORDAN: "I opted to take an extra half of an edible after the first hour. I probably should have waited a bit longer to do that because I quickly came to the realization that my bones were in my body and were responsible for how my fingers looked, and I was incredibly aware of how my skin stretched across my back when I bent over to untie my shoes. It wasn’t uncomfortable or anything to worry myself over. If nothing else, I found it more fascinating how we are just bones suspended in muscles, fat, organs and goo driven by a pink taba squishy in our skulls."
ALYSSA: "I consumed a second gummy. Mistake. This one was green and tasted even worse. All the positive things I had felt on one gummy, like joy, serenity and general loopiness, had been replaced by intense panic. The second gummy increased the side effects commonly associated with having just consumed THC. My throat was so dry, and the aftertaste was still so potent, I had convinced myself I was experiencing anaphylactic shock and would soon die. I was not and did not."
JORDAN: "After two hours, Jordan started speaking about herself in the third person. She also preemptively bought herself a thing of orange chicken and rice from Panda Express for the occasion, and Jordan had never loved herself more. The orange chicken looked so beautiful that Jordan gave her orange chicken a photo shoot before falling into the trance of beeswax-covered cheesecloth ASMR videos. She could feel the crackles inside of her skull."
PATRICK: "Two hours in, I felt like I had just smoked a joint of sativa. Pleasantly high but coherent and relaxed. No fear of death. Brain functioning well enough that I remembered to take a dose of diabetes medicine. Also, I remembered there was a 2-gallon jug of cheese poofs my wife bought at Costco in the kitchen. Note to self: Do not test gummies near a 2-gallon jug of cheese poofs."
ALYSSA: "My intense lightheadedness threw off my equilibrium, and my steps were clunky and necessitated conscious thought to execute. I was in no condition to operate heavy machinery.
"Time and my physical body moved slowly and in a way that contributed to my general discomfort. The worst bout of anxiety passed in an hour, but throughout the night, my heart continued to race. Fortunately, I was fairly tired, so sleep became my salvation from the hell I was living in. I fell asleep quickly but did not stay asleep through the night, waking every few hours or so in panic before falling back asleep almost immediately. I was groggier and grumpier than the average morning when I dragged myself from bed for a post-sunrise cup of coffee."
JORDAN: "I ate a double serving of orange chicken and rice, no less than six Motts fruit snack pouches and a handful of Halloween candy I found in my mom's pantry. Oh yes, another layer to the story. I was visiting my family, and I stayed with my parents on Saturday night. At nearly the second hour, both parents entered my room, making fun of me for being high. Nightmare, nightmare, nightmare. The paranoia swooped in, and I felt like I was 15 years old getting caught with a joint.
"After that, I was able to calm myself down by watching a lovely show on Netflix called The Midnight Gospel. Though I had never watched it before, I kept convincing myself that I had already seen the show. I hadn't. At hour two, I felt like I was snuggled up under a weighted blanket with just the right amount of weight."
PATRICK: "Finished re-reading a Murderbot book. Love me some Murderbot. Napped for an hour. Running low on cheese poofs, so I ordered barbecue. Didn't get the fried okra or freakin' sauce I ordered. Functional enough to give the delivery driver a one-star review. Ate. Read more Murderbot. Napped some. A little queasy from all the cheese poofs. Went to the grocery at 10 p.m. to buy a slice of cheesecake."
ALYSSA: "The next day, scarred from my experiences, I opted for one gummy, fearful of what near-death experience I might convince myself was happening next. This time, I had a much more favorable experience. I did experience a little bit of anxiety, but I’ll chalk that up to standard 'Sunday scaries.' I was mostly calm and giggly. One was plenty for me.
"Each Sunday night, I try to shoot out a few emails before the workweek begins, I scroll through any headlines I might have missed in the week, and I might even type out a few words to get ahead of Monday. That did not happen. Whether it be lethargy or a newfound lackadaisical lease on life, I was content just sitting, which was nice. In summation: if you have a tolerance as low as mine, you can get quite high with the currently legal products, under 0.3% concentration."
JORDAN: "For Sunday's experiment, I tested a 10 mg gummy by Munchies. This one lacked the earthy weed flavor, but it hit much faster. After 30 minutes, I could feel it. Not a good sign. After an hour, I had concocted a questionable dinner out of whatever I could find in my fridge, which happened to be meal prep chicken and week-old baked squash. Not the best munchie meal ever, but to wash it down, I had a nice, cold Dr Pepper. Nothing felt more heavenly than drinking that Dr Pepper.
"This high was different than the first, and not just in how swiftly it grabbed hold of me. It was less calming and my heart rate was thumping higher and higher. There was no panic, though. I did, however, get all of my laundry done and mowed the front yard. Just felt like the thing to do, I suppose.
"At hour 2, all I wanted to do was sit in a cold pool on a hot day. I was craving it in the way someone craves their favorite food. I wanted nothing more than to feel my body temperature drop underneath the cool water of a pool. It made me sad to think that I couldn't do that, having no pool myself. I got twitchy on this one, unable to easily control my body's movements. My breathing was on manual as I touched down in 'eddieville,' and it felt like forever before I could take my attention away from the basic function of breathing. I did sleep over nine hours that night, so it did something the other one hadn't.
"I much preferred the high of Wyatt Purp to Munchies, though I think a single gummy would have sufficed."
PATRICK: "On Sunday, I tried one of the 10 mg Munchies. Meh. No euphoria. No napping. A little logy from all those damn cheese poofs. Stomach upset. Read the news. So depressing. Neglected to tackle the work I brought home for the weekend."
"In summation: it's weed. Like it or not, the odds of it killing you or doing more harm than, say, vodka, are low. If Gov. Abbott holds the line, you will still be able to get high on delta-9 THC in Texas legally, but it could cost you if you're not a careful shopper. (As for delta-8 and other varieties of THC — I wouldn't count on it sticking around after the special session, but God knows what's in that stuff anyway. Remember, Texas is too incompetent to regulate.) The Vegas brand, bought at a shop in Frisco, was around $35 for 10 10 mg gummies. Texas' own Wyatt Purp gummies, bought at the company store in Denton, were $14 for a similar-sized bag, plus they gave us a $1.50 discount per bag and threw in a third bag for free after we bought two. So shop the local guys, but maybe be ready to pay a little more if the serving size gets down to 3 mg. Unless you're like Alyssa, who, though she didn't write it in her notes, ate a whole watermelon under the influence, by herself."
