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What's In My Closet: Attic Edition

Screw the closet, I've got bigger issues today. In a word:

Mothereffin'squirrels!

First we hear scome scratch-scratch-scratching on the ceiling. Next some creepy scurrying in the walls. Then, while doing some spring shrubbing, I spot not one, but two holes in the corners of our roof.

Softball-sized, swear.

I go in the attic and see some Christmas decorations nibbled, boxes with corners gnawed off and insulation spread in places it shouldn't be. And, oh yeah, it's a squirrel pellet-a-palooza. No biggie. I put out poison. Set glue traps. Dispersed cotton balls dipped in fox urine. Sprayed some "Critter Ridder."

What do you know, it worked.

For about five days.

After pondering a call to Carl Spackler or pissing off the neighbors with this contraption, I decided to get professional help. Ouch.

Turns out we have "at least 10 families" calling our attic home. Females. Babies. We got it all! And here I was worried about Swine Flu.

Turns out my house is haunted all right. But not by spirits, by squirrels!

The experts' recommended plan: Raze the entire attic. New insulation. Block all entrances. Moves that will guarantee 100-percent eviction to all rodents and keep them from ever coming back.

Sounds great, but how much?

Take a guess. C'mon, I dare ya to get close ...

You're reading that correctly: $12,956.44. That's twelve thousand, nine hundred, fifty six dollars and forty-four cents.

After my laughter morphed into crying morphed into anger morphed back into laughter, the confusion returned. How the hell do I get rid of these squirrels without spending the kid's college fund?

One option: For $13k a man can co-exist with nature for a long time. But there's got to be a happy medium.

On the current list of options: BB gun. Animal control. The Verminators. Hawks and/or mountain lions released into attic.

Suggestions?

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