Screw the closet, I've got bigger issues today. In a word:
First we hear scome scratch-scratch-scratching on the ceiling. Next some creepy scurrying in the walls. Then, while doing some spring shrubbing, I spot not one, but two holes in the corners of our roof.
I go in the attic and see some Christmas decorations nibbled, boxes with corners gnawed off and insulation spread in places it shouldn't be. And, oh yeah, it's a squirrel pellet-a-palooza. No biggie. I put out poison. Set glue traps. Dispersed cotton balls dipped in fox urine. Sprayed some "Critter Ridder."
What do you know, it worked.
For about five days.
Turns out we have "at least 10 families" calling our attic home. Females. Babies. We got it all! And here I was worried about Swine Flu.
Turns out my house is haunted all right. But not by spirits, by squirrels!
The experts' recommended plan: Raze the entire attic. New insulation. Block all entrances. Moves that will guarantee 100-percent eviction to all rodents and keep them from ever coming back.
Sounds great, but how much?
Take a guess. C'mon, I dare ya to get close ...
You're reading that correctly: $12,956.44. That's twelve thousand, nine hundred, fifty six dollars and forty-four cents.
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After my laughter morphed into crying morphed into anger morphed back into laughter, the confusion returned. How the hell do I get rid of these squirrels without spending the kid's college fund?
One option: For $13k a man can co-exist with nature for a long time. But there's got to be a happy medium.
On the current list of options: BB gun. Animal control. The Verminators. Hawks and/or mountain lions released into attic.