Audio By Carbonatix
Tongs count: 50
Skinny bitches count: 50
So, after a friend of mine gave me a hard time about never trying to find anything healthy for lunch for less than 10 bucks, I punched her in the face and then thought, “Ya know, Grandma, maybe you’re right.” I decided that it was time for a salad. And Salad Creations was there to answer the call.
The setup at Salad Creations is just like Subway, only without the bread—it’s like Atkins Subway. And if that two-word combination doesn’t make you think, “Mmm, tasty!” I don’t know what would. Overall, the whole experience was a little awkward. It was like going to a salad bar and making your friend build your salad for you. I honestly don’t understand the purpose of having the salad-maker person in the first place. It’s not that hard to make a salad. I know. I’ve done it before. All by myself. No matter how good they are at their job, they’re slowing down the process of my food getting to me. And that’s never a good thing.
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I ordered the Favorite Chef (junior because it’s still big and it was like two bucks cheaper), which comes with ham, turkey, roast beef, a hard-boiled egg, tomatoes, red onions and croutons—ya know, the kind of stuff any self-respecting chef would choose to put on a salad. I guarantee if you asked Jacques Pepin or Anthony Bourdain what they’d put on their chef salad, it’s gonna include processed ham and turkey. I actually couldn’t believe that they left off the obvious fourth meat choice: bacon. So, I added that along with some cheese and about a gallon of ranch dressing, and I was happy with my healthy lunch alternative. As my salad artist was chucking ingredients into my salad bowl, she asked me if I wanted my salad tossed. I laughed, because I’m 5 years old, and then I said, “Thanks, but tossage isn’t my thing.” I prefer reach-arounds. Big ones.
My salad was salad-y—everything crunched like it was supposed to, it filled me up for about an hour and then left me starving until dinner like it normally does. If I don’t go back to Salad Creations, it won’t be the restaurant’s fault. It’ll be salad’s fault for sucking in general in its attempt to be an entrée when it’s clearly just a side.
