How ‘Bout Them Knockers: Jasmine

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Alright, I’m about to make a confession. I’m a very indecisive and impatient person.

I’m the person you see stuck in traffic that looks like they’re yelling at the top of their lungs and wants to hit their steering wheel, but doesn’t want to scare the small child in the soccer mom minivan next to them. Or the person in a grocery store aisle that takes 15 minutes to decide if she wants black or refried beans.

Wow, that felt so good to finally say.

On Saturday afternoon I was starting to get over a weird sickness that invaded my body on Friday, and my appetite was slowly coming back. I was craving hot and sour soup and some fried rice.

Maybe not the best thing to eat after feeling icky for the past 24
hours, but so what? I decided to call up Lover’s Eggroll for some
Chinese, but the man on the phone politely let me know that they didn’t
start delivering until after 5:00 p.m.

You see this is a problem considering it was around 3:00 p.m. and I was
hungry. And this is where the impatient part of me comes in. I wanted
to get all Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment and demand I get my food right now, but I didn’t.

Self control is a marvelous thing.

I went back to the menu drawer and pulled out an unfamiliar one from a
restaurant named Jasmine. Not Jasmine’s or Jasmine’s Chinese, just
Jasmine. I unfolded the menu to see that I had 128 menu options to pick
from. What the what?

Apparently this Jasmine character had never met me before leaving the
menu on my door knob or they would of known better, for this is where
the indecisive part of me comes in.

After looking the menu over and over and over…and over again, I finally
decided on hot and sour soup and the beef Szechuan with fried rice. I
called up ol’ Jasmine and placed my order. The not-so-nice man on the
phone sounded exactly like the soup Nazi from Seinfeld, and I
didn’t even tell him to cut the onions from my beef szechuan in fear he
would deny me my food and slam down the phone. I could learn to live
with onions for one day.

The Chinese food Nazi told me it would be 45 minutes, and well, exactly
45 minutes later I heard the scariest knock ever on my door. It was a
big bang followed by a few seconds of silence then another big bang.
Why the bang pause bang? Bruno the dog was so scared he ran into the
other room. Then I started to think what if it was the Chinese food
Nazi and maybe I didn’t order properly, and he was here to eat my food
in front of me and just laugh.

I finally answered the door and it was very nice older man who gave me
food. Whew! I had no longer had to live in fear, but I did have to live
with onions.

I scarfed down everything because I hadn’t eaten since noon on Friday.
My only complaint was that the beef Szechuan had a hot & spicy
symbol next to it on the menu, but it was neither. Lame.

I did end up getting a fortune cookie this time, but I left the room
for two seconds and the dogs decided to eat it. The fortune still works
even if it is the dog’s belly, right?