Thai-Rrific is Thai-Ribble.

In the mood for some authentic Thai cuisine, I came across Thai-Rrific. Ballsy name for a place in a super-rundown shopping center. Even ballsier name for a place that serves up shitty food. It pains me to say that, since the service was really friendly. But it also pained me to poop water after eating four bites of my entrée, and I had to do that too.

But, seriously. The service was great. My super-attentive server was welcoming as I walked into the almost completely dark restaurant at noon. She treated me as if I were her only table, even though I was.

"Would you like to try the $8 lunch special?" Yes. Yes, I would. The special is any two appetizers (salad, spring roll, soup of the day or two egg rolls) plus an entree. I chose the salad, the spring roll and an order of pad kee mao (one of my most favorite dishes) with tofu. "What spice level, one to five, would you like?" I scanned the room: just whiteys. "I'll go with level five spicy. Hottest you've got." And with that, my fate was sealed.

"How can you fuck up a salad?" you might ask yourself, if you've never visited Thai-Rrific. The salad came with mushrooms, tomatoes, cucumber, the strangest cheese I've ever encountered (no taste, half-moon-shaped, squishy. Was it just bad tofu? Or hairballs?) and 80 gallons of watery peanut dressing. The spring roll was 90 percent iceberg lettuce and 10 percent day-old rice paper. Thumbs down. Aggressively.

But, the service was really great.

The pad kee mao, however, was a pile of sad gray shame slopped on a plate. I poked the shame pile with my fork a little, and I swear it twitched. The noodles were way overcooked, the tofu was the texture of regurgitated flan and at the bottom of the shame pile was a thick layer of slimy shredded lettuce. The worst part: It wasn't spicy. I should have been bleeding fire out of my eyes, but I guess "level five" just meant five shakes of red pepper flakes. I left after four bites and three vurps.

They also have these stuffed chicken wings that they're very proud of. You can get a party catered and order some. Or you can live your whole life not knowing what cat butt tastes like.

 
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