By Jim Schutze
By Rachel Watts
By Lauren Drewes Daniels
By Anna Merlan
By Lee Escobedo
By Eric Nicholson
Dear Mexican: Why is it that people from Chihuahua and Monterrey are such jackasses? They cross the border and act as if their cagada does not stink. They eat at all-you-can-eat $6.99 buffets and still want to take a plate to go for their abuela and primos. They stay at our hotels and treat the maids like rats. They speak loudly. They think that their putos pesos can buy anything. When you ask them where they come from, they start by telling you that their abuelos are Spaniards and most of their familia are Spaniards as if they are ashamed to be called mexicanos. Please tell those cabrones chihuahuenses and putos monterreyes que cool down, they are just as Mexicans as the rest of us. Hernan Cortez
Dear Gachupín: Your specific insults toward people from the Mexican state of Chihuahua (or, as they're known in El Paso, fronchis) and the city of Monterrey (their nickname is regiomontanos) mark you as someone from Texas, as that's where the majority of immigrants from northern Mexico have landed. And the reason they act so uppity isn't so much because of where they're from but what they are: ricos who have fled the chaos of their home states for the safety of Texas, where pompous, ostentatious pendejos are not only welcomed, they become governors and presidents.
I was born here but my padres are mexicanos. So I'm a gabachacana. My question is in regards to fixing my authentic mexicano's papeles. He's 23, and I heard that once you're past 18, it's harder. He's never been in trouble with the law, he pays taxes and he's a hard worker. But I heard that even all that would do him no good and if I go through trying to fix his papers, he would need to spend like 10 years in Mexico. Now, I'm a patient person, but que chingado, man? I'm not gonna risk him meeting some paisana hoochie over there and having me wait 10 years for him. Gabachacana
Dear Wabette: While I'm all for people making up ethnic labels, gabachacana makes you sound like an apricot. The easy answer is marrying the chavo — you're still going to face a long process, but it's faster than waiting for the Obama administration to offer a "comprehensive immigration reform."