Dear Mexican: Why do Hispanics deny that George Zimmerman is Hispanic? He did nothing wrong and has been crucified in the media. La Raza cannot bow down to the race baiters and race traitors that call themselves African-American leaders!
—Brown and Down
Dear Wab: This column is ¡Ask a Mexican!, not ¡Ask a Hispanic!, but I'll play, only because negrito-hating pendejos like you need to get smacked down. No Latinos deny that Zimmerman is half-Peruvian, and the reason we're joining African-American leaders in vilifying him is because Zimmerman killed Trayvon Martin, a story of racial profiling gone horribly wrong that our respective communities know far too well.
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We have much in common. I live in Washington, D.C.; you live in Wab-ington, O.C. My fair city is the capitol of Los Gabachos Unidos de America; your fair city is the capital of La Raza Mojada. You have a poorly disguised desire to abandon your Mexican heritage and become a gabacho: You use English like a native; you vote; you pay taxes. I have a poorly disguised desire to rise above gabachismo and become Mexican: I butcher Spanish, and I listen to son huasteca, son jarocho, corridos from the 1940s and '50s, and mariachi. You console yourself with the thought that no matter how much you fall short as a gabacho, you will never be Guatemalan. I console myself with the thought that I will never be from West Virginia. What's a failure of a vendido to do but hide his despair behind racial slurs directed at the object of his aspirations? Ah, but your racist Rolodex is so much more extensive than mine.
Which brings me to my request. You've created a glossary for those of us who need to expand our Rolodexes, but you haven't updated or expanded it in a long time. Please, help out a brother crypto-vendido and add some new Spanish language epithets.
—Frito Bandito (Cockney rhyming slang for "cripto-vendido")
Dear Gabacho: You bring up a great challenge, one I'm more than happy to extend to my readers. So, gentle readers: time to create a new glossary for this columna, something that'll further teach gabas the essentials of us. Example: "Mujer: Mexican worker whose only purpose is to make sure fresh tortillas greet the familia daily." Surely, ustedes can do better than I! Start sending them in!