Audio By Carbonatix
Biz Markie has got what I need…except for convenient contact information. So I hooked up with Drill Sergeant Harvey Walden IV, Biz’s former ass-kicker from his time on VH-1’s Celebrity Fit Club, to “talk” about the longtime rapper’s Dallas tour stop. I found Harvey online at the V-Spot (vh1.com) pimping his workout video, offering advice and cutting the masses down to size, so I assumed his pre-recorded clips could offer some insight on Biz.
What was your reaction to Biz’s 40-pound weight loss on the show?
Harvey: Outstanding. Awesome. What you want me to do, shit some doggone sneakers?
No. Absolutely not.
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Harvey: That don’t make no doggone sense.
Harvey, seriously. Are you proud of Markie’s success?
Harvey: If you can get through this, then you definitely have my dang-gone respect.
Were you upset when he was targeted during that sampling lawsuit with Gilbert O’Sullivan after “Alone Again”?
Harvey: Insanely crazy. That is just so not me. You want Ant [host of Celebrity Fit Club] with his fuckin’ weave sayin’ that one.
Do you think Markie peaked with “Just a Friend,” or was “Throw Back” from 2003’s Weekend Warrior as pivotal a song in his career?
Harvey: It’s like this…You get back in that firefight! Go two at a time, get to the top, ring that bell and come back down. Biz is comin’ after you!
Uh…you mean he kept producing quality work. Correct?
Harvey: You amaze me, you really amaze me. Forgive me, it was just a bit hard to understand.
Harvey: It’s like burning bad gas out of a car. Once you burn it–that bad gas–out you don’t want to put it back in.
Right. OK. Do you think that Biz’s success on the show will inspire him to stay healthy while touring?
Harvey: First thing you can do is start exercising and stop eating so doggone much.
I’m sure you meant “you” universally.
Harvey: …It seems like I do all the wrong things.
No, it’s cool. What was one thing you could tell Biz that would really motivate him during the show?
Harvey: Pull your damn pants up, Biz! Give me 110 percent! I can go back there and take a dump in the toilet and lose two pounds. One pound? You can fart more than that. You an animal, man.
Wow, Harvey, this was reallyeducational. Thanks for your time, and I look forward to seeing you berate more celebrities on the next season.
Harvey: You better be fuckin’ watchin’ it! Salsa this, mutha-fu… Y’all are gonna use all this, aren’t ya? I am so fuckin’ crazy. [under his breath] I gotta stop cursin’, man.
