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The Oscars are coming! Yay! I haven’t seen any of the movies, on account of the stupid infant and his inability to take care of himself for three hours, so I have no idea which new movies are the best new movies. I also have no idea what the outside of my house looks like anymore. But, based only on knowing the titles of the nominated films and seeing a preview or two, I’ll tell you what I think they’re about, and who will win Sunday night.
American Hustle
Set in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, in the ’70s, this film is about the daily struggle of six couples who are just trying to make it big in show business. Glenn Close’s monologue about playing hide-and-seek with cocaine by hiding it in her junk for her boyfriend to find later was daring, poetic and groundbreaking. And Ron Jeremy was super brave to not show his penis. It loses, though. Because no RJ peen.
12 Years a Slave
This movie is about marriage, and it stars Robert DeNiro and Kate Upton. It’ll win the award for Best On-Screen Chemistry.
Her
The poster for this one has a big ol’ picture of Tom Selleck’s sad face on it. Probably he cries a lot in this, since the one major thing every Oscar-nominated film needs is a man-cry scene. But maybe he’ll have a catch phrase again like he did on that Perfect Strangers show in the ’80s when he was Balki. “Don’t be ridiculous!” This one will almost win. People will be shocked and upset.
Dallas Buyers’ Club
This two hour ad for Reliant Energy comes with a generous helping of man dong. It won’t win anything, and everyone will be OK with that.
The Wolf of Wall Street
In this 2013 installment of the Twilight saga, Jacob Black is shape-shifting his way through Wall Street. It’s all fun and games until Edward and Bella show up. The six-minute, sad-dead-eyed scowl-off is worth the price of admission. This one will win everything, because werewolves.
Captain Phillips
This movie is simply a seek-and-find of “How many different angles of Tom Stupid Hanks’ concerned face can we get?” No awards here because there’s literally zero plot. It’s just Hanks faces.
Gravity
Sandra Bullock is at it again. This romantic comedy explores the ups and downs of dating — IN SPACE! Sparks literally fly when Chewbacca shows up as Sandy’s space lover. It’s too bad this movie will lose everything because it’s a proven fact that nobody likes movies about space or crying.
Nebraska
This is about Nebraska. Did you know Kool-Aid comes from Nebraska? And Nebraskites really like popcorn balls? All this and more. Can’t wait. (No awards for this.)
Philomena
The latest installment of the James Bond movies, Philomena follows the teenage years of M. From braces to backne, M goes through it all — with an assault rifle in her pink backpack. Luckily, Miley Cyrus sings the theme song swinging through the credits on a thin-crust pizza. This will win the award for Best Use of a Judi Dench.
