Audio By Carbonatix
By Billy Magic
It’s Dallas. We all drive. Some of us are just better than others.
Good Texter
The person on their phone who is attentive to both the road and the person on the other end of the phone. Supportive in all aspects whether it be why your boyfriend dumped you or allowing you into their lane. They’re the ultimate multi-tasker.
Bad Texter
You see a blur of their face and their crumpled car as you speed by.
Old Church lady
She drives a high-end sedan with leather seats. Upper tier model. Never fuel efficent. A light color because Texas is hot. You know these facts because she drives 15 mph under the speed limit.
The Soccer Mom
Is it an SUV? Does it have room for seven or more? Does it look like the a bastille is being stormed through the tinted glass?
The Yuppie Club-
The only thing more certain that the car isn’t made in America is that the car is not even close to being paid off.
Pick up Drivers
Personal savior in the form of foreman, contractor, plumber, electrician, landscaper, or “land owner.” This man is a true Texan, as we are perceived to be — an urban cowboy. Or he’s in high school, or he thinks like he is, and he has a rubber scrotum hanging from his trailer hitch because he doesn’t know what else a trailer hitch is for.
Crotch Rocketeers
They’re doing wheelies on Central Expressway when you’re Ubering home at 3:30 in the morning. You are stopping for tacos. They are not.
The Morning Commuter
Have you ever seen that scene in Scanners where that dude’s head blows up?
The Afternoon Commuter
This traffic is fine. I can listen to The Ticket. I can stop for happy hour. I don’t have to see my kids for three more hours.
Everyone Else
We obey traffic laws and think we are very responsible behind the wheels. We laugh at at all of these jokers who don’t know what they’re doing on the highway. We rubberneck at all of the accidents that could’ve been easily prevented, by driving like us responsible people. We are the 1 percent. #Blessed.
