Audio By Carbonatix
That time of year has come again. There’s nothing better than going to the closet and dusting off the old Laserdisc collection of Christmas movies. Stories old and new take you to a world where the temperature is less than 60 degrees and of the food is always…memorable. Here’s a list of four great and four terrible cinema comestibles:
Roast Beast, Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas (shown above)- As a kid, there was nothing more delicious looking than the gigantic mystery entree, even before it was three-dimensionalized in the 2000 Jim Carrey adaptation. The nebulousness of the animal only magnifies the intrigue, as what appears to be a turkey on the outside is sliced open to reveal an ultra-rare, boneless cut of beefowlambthing. Whatever it is, gimsome.
Little Nero’s Cheese Pizza, Home Alone – So many great memories are associated with this simple cheese pizza. From the fact that the delivery guy could never avoid steamrolling the little jockey statue in the front yard, to the image of Kevin McCallister (Macaulay Culkin) lifting a deliciously stringy slice as “Angels with Filthy Souls” plays in the background. The movie left such an iconic imprint on young Justin that I would pay for everything in cash just so I could say “Keep the change, ya filthy animal.”
Angel’s Wings, It’s a Wonderful Life – While they don’t actually eat wings in the 1946 tour de force comedy, it’s funny to imagine the angel Clarence getting his giant plate of Buffalo wings as the bell rings at the end of the movie. Sure, the concept of the spicy, saucy wing wouldn’t be unleashed on the faces of the American public for another 18 years, but Christmastime is for dreaming and boozing, not chronological fact-checking.
Peking Duck from Chop Suey Palace, A Christmas Story – Despite its innocent milking of an overworked stereotype, the Chinese restaurant scene at the finale of the seminal yuletide flick is a classic drool enducer. We don’t get to see the family actually consume the succulent bird, but the thought of that finely crisped skin and juicy flesh makes us want to zip over to a place like Kirin Court to grab the presentation-intensive dish.
And now for the awful.
Spaghetti with Maple Syrup, Elf – When Buddy the Elf (Will Ferrell) whipped out his secret stash of liquid saccharine all David Copperfield-like, you knew some culinary virtuosity would soon follow. While most would cringe at the thought of introducing such a sweet ingredient to the tomato pasta party, it might not actually be that…ok, ok, I give up. Yes, it sounds terrible. But what if it isn’t? Try asking for a little maple gravy the next time you’re at Lucia and see what happens.
Fried Cat, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – For anyone who’s been near a cat at Christmas, one of the best scenes in cinema history occurs in Christmas Vacation. Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) notices that his hand-hacked Christmas tree’s lights have gone out, so he checks the cords, which have been unplugged. He logically plugs them both in, only to hear a giant yowl as their armchair lights up like a bottle rocket. Upon inspection, he finds the cat sizzled and flattened under the lounger, giving all cat loathers something to laugh about.
Human Brains, Love, Actually – There’s no cerebral consumption during the film itself, but it’s impossible to watch the deceptively dude-friendly chick flick without recognizing Sheriff Rick Grimes (Andrew Lincoln) from AMC’s The Walking Dead. While he’s wasting the entire movie pining over betrothed beanpole Keira Knightley, we’re wondering why the hell he hasn’t started stockpiling for the imminent rise of the brain munchers.
Raw Fish, Batman Returns – In the second and final Tim Burton-helmed Batman flick, Danny DeVito plays famed villain The Penguin. While feeding his tiny avian army, DeVito chomps into a fish or two and pays little mind to dental hygiene. There are rumors that Burton wants to do a remake of this particular film, with the role of Batman being played by Johnny Depp and every other character played by Helena Bonham Carter.
