Peso What?

The thing I like about Fox News is how reliable it is. I needed something to scare me into believing the country is being overrun with immigrants who will take away my American way of life and my unalienable rights to drink Bud Light and listen to Toby Keith. And I got that something special this morning: Retail chain Value Giant is now accepting pesos as payment. You’ll remember that Pizza Patron was derided for similarly defiling America.

Our America-hating Value Giant is located at what Wikipedia calls the “distressed” Southwest Center Mall — which, of course, used to be Red Bird Mall. They’re having some kind of ambiguous “promotional event” tomorrow to get the peso word out. The Fox article doesn’t specify, leaving us only to imagine the most nightmarish scenarios as Value Giant further erodes our fine American traditions. Maybe they’ll burn apple pies in effigy. I just hope they have leftovers. –Andrea Grimes