No Wonder Channel 5’s Tanking. Mike Snyder’s Disgusting

Glory be to God on high: Uncle Barky says KXAS-Channel 5’s inexplicable chart-topping success at 10 p.m. may soon be coming to an end, thanks to two things — WFAA-Channel 8’s dependable newcasts, anchored by beliked (uh…) stalwarts John McCaa and Gloria Campos, and Channel 5’s desperate, icky obsession with all things violent, bleak and absolutely pointless. Or, as Ed puts it: “The numbing, head-hurting sameness of the Peacock’s nightly presentations at last is starting to look like a turnoff.” I also love how Ed describes Channel 5 reporters Susan Risdon, Jay Gordon, Scott Friedman and Kristi Nelson: as the “four horsepeople of the Apocalypse,” who do little more than report bad news while stuck in some darkly lit locale, usually in the middle of nowhere. (Sorry, Watauga. But it’s true.)

Ed has the stats to back up the slow, sure demise of Channel 5’s ratings prowess: On Tuesday, Channel 8 took the night for the fifth time in a row, putting Channel 5 way back in the February sweeps-stakes with only 11 weeknights left to mount a comeback. Uncle Barky, who keeps track of this shit so we don’t have to because we’d never want to, says Channel 5 hasn’t lost in February since 2001. Seems like that might be coming to an end, proving there is a God and He or She doesn’t much care for Mike Snyder saying nasty stuff like this on the air. No, Mike, we don’t want some of that. Yuck. –Robert Wilonsky