Audio By Carbonatix
This week’s theme was Billboard Number Ones. A valid theme for American Idol if there ever was one. Props to Lee Dewyze for kicking out the Box Tops jam “The Letter” even though, sadly, no one mentioned the recently late lead singer of said group, Alex Chilton. Not saying DeWyze did the song any justice, but the song kicks ass so there’s that.
But let me tell you the real clincher of the show. The Top 11 took advice from none other than Miley Cyrus. Yeah. In the shortest cut-off denim shorty-shorts ever. I mean, seriously, her shirt was longer than the shorts. It was weird. What was approximately seven times weirder than that? That she told Duncanville’s Tim Urban he wasn’t fucking boring.
Because he was. Oh, as sure as I sit here, that guy was boring. Boring in his blah-blah-blah rehearsal with Miley and boring as his be-bopped across the stage and bent to touch his adoring fans…some of whom I’m sure kiss a photo of him before bedtime each night. I’ve used this word before regarding TUrban and I’ll use it again: soulless.
And now, an open letter to Tim Urban:
Yeah, T, for the AI show on March 23, you moved around.
The teen
girls
loved you. But that wasn’t a freakin’ choir solo. It was rock and roll.
It was
Queen. It may just be “Crazy Little Thing Called Love,” but it was still
the song of a legendary flamboyant dude with a voice you’ll
never
have. Show a little respect and at least pretend to feel something…other
than
unfounded cockiness.Sliding across the stage is something that
prolly
got you
laid after that time you starred in Bye, Bye Birdie or some shit,
but it
doesn’t make up for the fact that you keep working vocal exercises
(as opposed to performances) across the
graves of legends and the TVs of people who know better (I hope).Also, there’s no need to pronounce every syllable
the way it’s
spelled. I’m sure you’re a very serious, uptight young man, because,
well, that’s how you sing your words. And thus, as far as a future musical
career, I ain’t buyin’ it (see what I did there? “I ain’t buyin'”
instead of “I am not buying”? Try changing things up like that when you
sing, sometime).Deuces, Mer.
And I’m apparently not alone. Randy said, “The dopest
thing that you did was the slide! Dude, the vocals were so boring. I
was like, what show is this? It was like karaoke, or something, like
bad karaoke.” And Ellen was also irritated. “It was pushed too hard,”
she said. “There’s a large group of people that will love that
performance…and then there’s me. I didn’t get it.” Kara called out the
attitude (finally) by saying, “You acted like you already made it and
you haven’t. You have a lot of work to do.” But Simon, my love, took the
cake. He laid the proverbial smack down: “I don’t think the sliding
around was the problem because I think it distracted from the song, so I
kind of understand why you did that. The problem was…it was completely,
utterly pointless and silly.” And he didn’t stop there. After riffing
on the song itself, he bounced back onto Tim: “You’ve got zero chance of
winning right now. Unless you actually start to take some proper
singing lessons, get your act together–and like I’ve said
before–actually try and become somebody who is contemporary and
relevant. So this is two weeks: silly, silly song choices.”
And scene.
Except wait. There
was still Fort Worth’s Casey
James waiting to sing Huey Lewis & the News’ “Power of Love”
for some unknown reason. What. The. Hell? Not only did he not move for
most of the song, it was just so…odd. Irrelevant and old but still
virile–like a musician’s son whose career consists solely of touring
bars and singing his dad’s material. Or like a Lifetime movie with a
curly blond farmhand singing songs from their youth for
sex-crazed women at the local watering hole. I’m not sure which. It was
just so confusing.
Randy gave him props for
guitar work. Ellen hated the song choice but said it was the best vocal,
and so she is certifiably crazy. Kara said he was ready to make an
album and on another level and that he made Huey Lewis relevant and I am
not joking. Simon, my love, called him on a boring rehash of a tired,
old-fashioned song.
But both fellas are probably
safe. Paige Miles gave what may have been the worst performance I’ve
seen/heard on Idol…ever. Unfortunately, whoever is booted
tonight won’t get a spot on the coveted tour after the season
wraps…and thus, won’t get a fat paycheck either. I call Bottom Three
for Paige, Tim and Andrew.
