“Caricature: Texas Governor Greg Abbott” by DonkeyHotey is marked with CC BY-SA 2.0.
Audio By Carbonatix
Following what some dubbed the most conservative legislative session in state history, people nationwide have parodied Texas’ latest legislation. Even the number of laws passed last year became the butt of many jokes: 666, the number of the beast.
Naturally, satirical news site The Onion has also riffed on the state’s controversial policies, from Texas lawmakers’ gun-worship to their attacks on reproductive rights.
Here are a few of our favorite Texas-related stories from The Onion.
‘Texas Bans Consensual Sex’
This one doesn’t seem too far outside the realm of possibility.
On March 10, The Onion notified the world that after effectively banning abortions, the Lone Star State has taken it a step further. That’s right, y’all: no more consensual sex.
The Onion reported that Gov. Greg Abbott, cheered on by right-wing lobbyists and religious groups, signed into law a ban on sexy fun. People caught in the act could face more than 10 years behind bars.
“Consensual sex has always been immoral, and now it’s finally illegal, too,” the Republican said, according to that outlet. “Enthusiastic, continuous, specific, freely given, and clearly communicated sexual consent will not be tolerated in Texas.”
Abbott added that matchmakers could also face prosecution for setting up their friends who later go on to do the deed.
‘Covid Announces Plan to Move Operations to Texas Full-Time to Escape Burdensome Regulations’
Texas loathes regulations, and so does COVID-19. In this groundbreaking report by The Onion in March 2021, readers learned that the virus had set up shop in Texas full-time.
The coronavirus told that outlet that it’s a big fan of Abbott’s decision to do away with mask mandates and dining restrictions.
“Shifting my operation to Texas will give me the freedom to spread my wings and grow this pandemic in ways that are impossible in blue states,” it said at the time.
The virus then recognized the help it received early on from California and New York. But the virus added that it couldn’t sit by as liberal lawmakers tacked on ever more restrictions.
“Those regulations really hurt small virus particles,” the molecule said. “The Lone Star State has been nothing but welcoming to me, and I’m thrilled to call it my new home.”
Welcome!
‘Inclusive New Texas Bill Prevents Gun Sellers from Discriminating on Basis of Background Check’
In 2019, The Onion also proved prescient when it wrote about a law that would allow Texans to carry firearms without a background check. (Fast-forward to 2021, and voila: permitless carry took effect.)
The Onion quoted Abbott as saying that society has become more tolerant. The new law would ensure that sellers can’t opt out of a gun purchase based on the buyer’s “history of violence or other red flags.”
The satirical article said Abbott was distraught after learning people convicted of several domestic abuse violations had previously been denied such a transaction.
Texas’ governor then reportedly vowed to never discriminate against overt bullies, people with mental health issues or those on the FBI’s watchlist.
“Some people are just naturally filled with a murderous rage, it’s as simple as that, and it should be unlawful to treat them as second-class citizens,” he said, according to The Onion. “Because if we discriminate based on a background check, who’s next? Where will that lead? Tyranny, that’s where.”
The Onion went on to note that the new gun law does offer exemptions for sellers who want to discriminate based on race and religion. Phew.
‘Texas Bans Access to Tall Staircases in Case Women with Unwanted Pregnancies Get Any Ideas’
Looks like some women will have to take the elevator.
Following efforts by Texas legislators to ban abortion, The Onion reported that they’d also passed a bill that would prevent unhappily pregnant women from accessing high staircases. The move would keep these ladies from “getting any ideas.”
The article says that Abbott was hoping to expand the forced-pregnancy effort by banning “intensive exercise, heated jacuzzies, vitamin C, imported soft cheeses, and, obviously, all metal wires and coat hangers.”
“We are also encouraging residents to report any women they see in line for a roller coaster before they can try any funny business,” Abbott said, according to The Onion.
Women who are underage or incest survivors, however, will retain the right to use a rifle to “shoot themselves in the gut,” the article continued.
Bonus round*
This last one, published amid February 2021’s terrible winter storm, is actually only a headline: “Ted Cruz Celebrates Fulfilling Campaign Promise After Successfully Deporting 2 Hispanic Children.”
