How to Get Through Family Holidays, According to a Therapist

If we’ve learned nothing else from Billy Bob Thornton and Chevy Chase, it’s that Santa isn’t real and there’s no such thing as a “perfect holiday.” So, why do we still go into this season filled with delusional optimism, only to be kicked in the head by reality time and time again?

“The holidays magnify everything from joy and grief to unresolved tension,” says Julia Hoffman, founder of Dallas-based Hoffman Collaborative Therapy.

Hoffman would know quite well, as a specialist in family and crisis therapy who draws on expertise from a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy and 15 years of professional experience. Plus, four daughters, an ex-husband and his wife, and a wife of her own make for familial dynamics that Hoffman navigates herself. This time of year, in addition to helping her clients navigate both everyday challenges and extreme emotional upheavals, her sessions are often focused on the holidays.

“Old family patterns replay in a high-stress setting with expectations of perfection layered on top,” says Hoffman when describing the upcoming gauntlet of gatherings. “Stressors all collide under one roof.”

To avoid collateral damage, she has specific strategies for many of the most dreaded situations that can arise during family holidays. But first, she advises, “The energy you bring matters more than perfection. Assume the same family dynamics will show up, and go in with a plan for how you’ll respond, not how you’ll change others.” 

Pass on the Politics, Obviously

The situation: What started with some banter about current events has created a War of the Worlds at the dinner table, and you’re stuck between political rival relatives.

The strategy: Though the rule to stay apolitical in polite chit-chat may seem like common sense, every year we still end up playing referee as we pass the potatoes. In this situation, Hoffman advises a direct approach. “If you don’t want politics at the dinner table, make it clear up front,” she says, adding, “You can even post a sign at the front door.” If your family insists on debating something, she recommends playing team trivia after dinner or another game to allow an outlet for friendly rivalries.”

Dismiss Drunk and Disorderlies

The situation: Last year, that one cousin had too many spiked egg nogs and lost his Christmas cookies under the tree. 

The strategy: This year, Hoffman recommends transparent honesty with your family member. “Last year was upsetting for both of us, so tonight, let’s use a code word. If you are too intoxicated after one warning, the plan will be to use the code word and call you an Uber home. I love you and want you to be safe and healthy.” Alternatively, you may choose to limit the availability of alcohol entirely by offering guests a single low-ABV welcome drink, or by serving wine with dinner — not both, and no open bar.

Navigating Split Decisions

The situation: Your presence is requested (or demanded) at a festive brunch, leisurely lunch and two sit-down dinners — all on the same holiday.

The strategy: Whether your parents are divorced, your family is feuding, or you’re the separated co-parent, criss-crossing the metro to attend multiple gatherings is exhausting. It also tends to leave everyone disappointed, no matter what. “You don’t need to feel bad about leaving early or choosing one destination — everyone who loves you wants you to enjoy the holiday,” says Hoffman. “I like to advocate for ‘do what’s best for you,’ because if you’re fried by driving all over town, you’re not going to bring good energy to the gathering anyway.” In other words, in this situation, you have permission from a therapist to set the boundaries.

Manage the Martyrs

The situation: Aunt Debbie Does-it-All is in charge of everything, every year, and don’t you forget it.

The strategy: When someone takes on all the responsibility during the holidays, whether voluntarily or out of a sense of obligation, it can be difficult to break the cycle. What’s more, this can leave folks feeling left out and not invested in the celebration. Hoffman recommends that we “first respect the host” and avoid bringing anything into the home that makes more work for them. (We might add that this advice applies to negative attitudes and high-maintenance side dishes alike.) And, if the host is truly overwhelmed by it all, whisper these four magic words in their ear: “I’ll do the dishes.” 

When All Else Fails, Bow Out Gracefully

Finally, Hoffman concludes with three quick scripts for those times when you absolutely, positively, just can’t get in the spirit. At least, not with the entire cast of your family’s take on Christmas Vacation.

Quick and Easy: “Unfortunately, we can’t make it this year, but I hope it’s a wonderful celebration.”

Truthful But Kind: “I love you and value our time together. This year, we need to keep things simple for our family. I hope you understand.”

Kick It Down the Road: “We can’t be there, but I’d love to plan a get-together in January once things settle down.”

Good luck!